Birthday blues, baby

birthday

              We all have gone through birthday blues, right? Few days, maybe even weeks before our day. Is it actually our day, though? I think that we should celebrate our mums more. But yes, ourselves as well. You know, I don’t really like my birthday. Hey, don’t look at me like that. I’m not alone in this, am I? Hi, friend. It’s been a while…

How can one not like their birthday?

              You make it sound like a bad thing, man. Besides, now that I think about it, it’s not strictly about birthdays, I think it’s more about celebration. But I will get to that. Can we talk about something else first? IT’S OCTOBER ALREADY! Can you feel the autumn vibe, but like fully? With dry leaves on the sidewalks, rain banging against your widows and nightfall creeping on us faster than a month ago? It’s wonderful. Hey, I don’t like that growl of yours. Kidding, I know I am a weird one. To thrive in the fall… This gives me a lot of The Weeknd analogies. First of all, I love his records. King of the Fall album just got released on Spotify, can you believe it?! Good times…

birthday
My godmother used to send me hand-made cards for every occasion

Autumn is not just pumpkin spice latte, just so you know. I’m aware of all those memes out there, but I’ve been “spicing” my coffee since July. Hey, that’s correct – it is from Dune! “Great bins of melange lay all around in a gigantic room cut from native rock and illuminated by glowglobes of an ancient design with arabesques of metal scrollwork upon them. The spice had glowed radiant blue in the dim silver light. And the smell – bitter cinnamon, unmistakable” (this one is from God Emperor of Dune). Actually, what spices do you like in your coffee? I also like to throw a pinch of cardamom and nutmeg.

For someone who loves Twin Peaks, I find it adorable that you don’t take your coffee black, Love.

              Believe me, it’s one of those things about me. It’s not that I don’t drink black coffee at all; a few years back when I was in Bremerhaven, barista in my favorite café mixed up the orders and I walked out with black potion instead of cappuccino. And I didn’t mind at all. Frankly – I didn’t notice until first sip. The texture was so smooth and the flavor was so rich, yet not bitter, I loved it. So, from time to time, I drink my coffee black as midnight on a moonless night. As a matter of fact, I had one today – on my birthday, to keep awake. And sane.

I love cards. They are the best thing, because they are forever – at least for me. My earliest card is from my grandparents, dated 1997.

Hey, let’s take our coffees to go then and I will show you my favorite walking route. It looks amazing every season. Summer gives you this… Abroad feeling? And in winter it looks magical, if there is snow. Okay, don’t look at me like that, I’m going to tell you about the birthday blues. Sure, there is this “life crisis” thing, which is important and should not be ignored, but…

Wait, you really don’t know what a birthday blues is. I can see it in your eyes. Well, let me look it up in Urban Dictionary. It is a general sadness or feeling down by a person on or around his or her birthday. A person feeling birthday blues should know that it is normal to feel this way and should be supported by his or her family and friends.

I’m here to support you.

              I know that, thank you. So, now that we know the general definition, I’ll go back to that existential crisis aspect. You know, another year in life, leveling up and all that jazz. Never had a problem with that, after all it’s just a number. Plus, we are getting wiser with age. Wouldn’t say smarter, but wiser for sure. And believe me, there is a difference. But you know that, right? Ha, I knew it! Young at heart but an old soul…

My grandparents actually signed their cards as „GRANDMA – name, last name; GRANDPA – name, last name”. How cute is that?

Sadly, the struggle becomes harder. As if! The crisis then. It’s not your typical “another year” or “being stuck” whatever bullshit you hear from the millennials. For me it’s more about chances I didn’t take. Opportunities I let go – like I said, we get wiser, because we can identify screw ups like that. I’m happy with my work, I bought an apartment this year, I am getting along with my family (getting along, it’s not sunshine and rainbows), I am doing what I love.

              What is it then? Why does birthday trigger melancholy? First of all, because it’s autumn and by definition, it is all about melancholy. Secondly, one is getting older. And even though age is just a number, some people are sad about it. Sure, I mean it is one step closer till the end of the road, but… Could you really live with that attitude? Is it even living? It’s existing. But for me it is a little shallower. Hey don’t give me that look, I am just human.

If it’s causing you to feel down, then it’s not shallow.

              But I am not that kind of person, you know? And I feel bad about this, because it sounds like I need people to say how much they value me. Okay, let me explain: birthday is special. Should be, right? It is a day for appreciation and love. On Thursday, my Movie Club at work celebrated 2nd birthday. We had a birthday podcast, there were thank you cards, we prepared a yearbook and it was awesome. And you know what, friend? I don’t remember feeling this much love! People were so nice, said so many wonderful and heartwarming things about the Club, about my passion for it.

Work card! My friends at work remembered that this is what I really wanted.

And I felt so proud of my work. My passion and drive are the core of it – and I am not ashamed to say it out loud, at least now. But it’s not like I expect gratitude or appreciation, no. See, that is the thing: I didn’t ask for that love and they still gave it to me. With my birthday it always was a little different.

              I will go over and above for my friends and family, in an attempt to make this day extremely special for them. Throwing a surprise party or getting them the ultimate-dream gift makes me feel good. I am a natural giver, so it’s easy for me. And well, I have a black belt in gift giving 😉 (I HOPE!).

One of the things my friends excel at – BIRTHDAY CARDS. Freaking champions, always treating me with such kindness and patience, when I ask them to give me cards. If anyone is wondering what is the perfect birthday gift for me, here is the answer: card, balloon and flowers.

I’m sure your friends love you and would do anything to make that day special.

              It’s true. I sound like a terrible person, I KNOW. This point is hard to explain, but let me compare it to a stage performance. So, the stage is yours and you are the main character of the story but there is always someone more lovable than you, “stealing your spotlight”. Like your brother or best friend. And the script you wrote for that particular scene is being altered by someone, who wants to make it “more special”.

Does that make sense? Or do I sound like a spoiled child? I don’t even know anymore, it’s just… Something’s missing. Maybe someone, maybe with all this craziness, I am losing myself. Are you one of these people, who’d rather allow something to happen, to avoid the argument or not to anger someone? Yeah, thought so. Typical Libra, eh?

So today I am having my entire family over, even though I only wanted to invite my brother, his wife and kid. But that’s okay. I spoke with Gavin at work and complained about this mess (this week I mean) and he told me that I will enjoy it, when Sunday comes. And truth being said, it’s not that bad. I spent the entire Saturday cooking and baking, but that’s fine. I can now stretch my legs, sip hot tea and watch everyone talk about anything and everything.

… Including the wand and ticket.

And you know what? I think I am enjoying this day. I have a feeling, that 2020 birthday could be the best one in years. Today is… Will be fine. I will feel happy, you know?

Your introversion always kicks in during social events?

              My laughter fills the empty street. Wow, you are quite an observer! But no. I mean yes, but only with my family. Am I a monster for saying so? I love them so much but they drain me sometimes. Maybe it’s because I am letting things go; I let it slide because it’s not worth the fight and that’s how my brain defends itself. But you know what? I also get these creative waves with them. And that’s both wonderful and horrible – because I have ideas for awesome stories, but have to write them down instantly. So… Imagine my mum going crazy that I am making notes, instead of having conversation with my aunts.

This is the card from 1997. If you press it hard enough, it still plays the bday music.

Introversion. Huh, that is a good observation, really. I don’t think it kicks on birthdays. Last year I celebrated with friends in a club/pub and it was awesome, I loved every bit. There was strict no gift policy and still, everybody showed up with something. And I didn’t think about anything else. We were dancing and singing and drinking… So much fun.

              Hey, you know what I LOVE about birthdays? HUGS! Nobody will say no to a hug on a birthday, right? And that will be positive battery charging! Also, you should smile more, you look… Brighter. Glowing-like. I’m glad you are enjoying my whining. Sometimes we all must bitch about something, so we can appreciate what we have. And boy, I am so grateful for what I have!

How’s life then?

              Life is pretty good, birthday blues aside. Got a promotion at work, I have wonderful friends to enjoy this success with (shout out to my tarararara gang), my cats are driving me crazy but I love them, so that’s alright. Been on the worst date of my life with a guy, who told me that watching movies is a waste of time – that was a real highlight. Hey no, really – I told this story to my friend at work and she couldn’t stop laughing. Can you imagine that, me dating someone who claims that my passion is a waste of time? I don’t use that “expression” a lot, but LOL.

Ahh, there it is, that sly smile again! But no one can say that I didn’t try online dating. It’s just a big no from me. When it comes to romance, I am a full-time analogue girl. And this experience only proved that there is no point in looking. After all, things happen and more than often are beyond our control. But hey, tell me about you. Is everything okay? Staying sane? Spicing up your coffee?

And of course, I had to draw something on those cards…

              I don’t know how this day will unfold, to be honest. I am very proud of my achievements this year and that is always celebrated. It’s been one hell of a ride, but a lot of good things happened. Both at work and in my life. Even with this virus, I started running regularly and now I’m training for my first pro 10k. How cool is that?! I should take care of my back a bit more, it’s killing me from quite some time now.

Still in love with Dune series. It’s AWESOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE. Trailer dropped a few weeks ago and I am hopeful that this time, the film will live up to my expectations. But so many movies got postponed… So many things are on pause right now, can you believe it? But not my birthday celebration. I should probably get back there… I almost finished my coffee. Are you sure you will be okay out here?

Happy birthday, Darling. May the Force be always this strong with you.

              Thanks! Really, I appreciate it. I think I might like my birthday after all. 2020 is weird and bizarre things are happening. I mean, I watched all Mission: Impossible movies. WITH TOM CRUISE, and I enjoyed them. Not his performance, just the films. Who would’ve thought?! I blame my Movie Club, though. I promised them M:I podcast and of course delivered.

You know? Actually, this year wasn’t so bad, in terms of my birthday. I was prepared for something far worse. And it’s… Fine. I had fun! Next week, I will celebrate with my friends too! Just a small gathering of my inner circle, unlike last year but hey – can’t complain about that. Actually, I am so excited to see my gang there. They made this year bearable.

              Let’s have this conversation at the same time next year and see if my mind has changed for good. Who knows…? Maybe this October will be the best month in my life? I have to run now, buddy. My family is waiting for me and I shouldn’t be late for my own birthday. Or should I?

Jeez. That’s silly. A wizard is never late.

Catch up with all friendly conversations here: I have nothing, Glory, Somewhere only we know.

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