It’s not the same as it was

            As it was? One of my favorite tunes this summer, for sure. And somehow it feels like a prophecy, a prediction: my life is not the same as it was, but I love it! I absolutely love that fact. This was probably the most eventful summer for me so far. So! Far! Turns out, letting some sunshine into your life can work miracles. Hi, Friend. Tea? 

Gravity’s holding me back

            Mornings are quite cold these days, it’s a sign of inevitable autumn coming. Vandalore can feel it too. I bought some decorations, tiny pumpkins and put them all around. Summer was great and full of amazing moments, days, but I feel the cold air and it’s like I can take a full breath in. 

The mint tea pot was a little dusty (even though I don’t drink that much tea when it’s so hot outside). I feel like mixing it up today, Friend. My tea cabinet looks so much better than it used to – all messy and with no purpose whatsoever. Two black teas and a spoon full of autumn mix should be enough to tell you all about my summer.

I can feel you staring. Technically, summer is still here, right? But you can just feel that crispness in the air. And every year I am as amazed as ever. Like it’s something completely new. Because to be honest, it is. It’s not the same as it was a year ago. Did you know that September 8^th marks one year of me living here? It’s been a year. An entire trip around the sun. 

            Now it’s also going to be one of the saddest days in history with HM Queen Elizabeth II dying. An era ends, for sure. I never had much sentiment for the Royal Family, but just from the human point of view – it’s a loss. 

I want you to hold out the palm of your hand
Why don’t we leave it at that?

            There are many reasons I love autumn, but this year, probably for the first time in years, I fell in love with summer. The concerts and festivals? Sure, I mean… The kettle softly clicked and I poured the hot water into the pot. I have no idea what’s in that autumn mix, Friend. But! I found the lemons in the rum thingy my dad bought me. That will be our spice for today.

I think the best indicator that I’ve had a busy summer is the fact that I have to catch up with my own Movie Journal (LINK). Hey, don’t give me that look, Friend! I put my friends and family first this summer and it felt amazing. Now I will have all the time in the world to catch up with movies and series, such as The Rings of Power.

I am planning to watch this one during mine and MM’s birthday weekend. Perks of having birthday so close to each other, eh? You know how I feel about my birthday, and honestly? October 4^th 2021 was brutal. But it’s in the past and I know it’s not the same as it was. 

            I think letting go of certain things made me feel lighter about life, you know? It’s cliché but really universal. And everyone comes to terms with that cliché, sooner or later. Having less expectations (less, not zero) about yourself and life, and people around you, is a gate to a happier life. I watch you reach the mug cabinet. Is it Winnie the Pooh time? 

Seems you cannot be replaced
And I’m the one who will stay

            But let’s not get too melancholic, there will be plenty of time for it. The weather is nice so how about we throw some hoodies on and go to the balcony? The swing is still there, I just need to put the cushion on it so it’s comfortable. You point to the flower pots. Oh yes, I am full on plant-person now. 

Oh, you think it’s easy? AS IF! Please, my previous lavender plant did not survive in this fast-paced world. She did not have what it takes. Rest in power, Morticia. Oh? Right, I didn’t tell you – I gave all my plants names, so it’s harder for me to… Hmm, that sounds wrong. So, it’s easier for me to NOT forget to care about them. 

The sun is shining but it gives no warmth. The question remains unspoken: why was this summer different? Was it just the concerts, live music and lots of Przedwojenna? I smile and close my eyes. Ah, the serenity. You know, every time I can stay home, with no plans, I feel a bit anxious. Restless. 

            As if I was punishing myself for the ability to take some time and rest. Sometimes I catch myself being on a constant stand-by. ON MY REST DAY, Friend! That’s crazy. Our teas warm hands with pleasant tingling. Anxiety is a bitch. 

In this world, it’s just us
You know it’s not the same as it was…

            Guess what, though? Being around people was the best, the only medicine I needed. Except the regular one, don’t worry. Who would have thought that me – the introverted one – would be thriving so damn much around people? And not just my people! If that’s not progress, I don’t know what is. 

I’ve read somewhere that sometimes all it takes is… Looking for opportunities to say “yes”. As if it was that easy, eh? Takes a lot of training and pep-talks, but it works. Every time I wanted to just stay in and my mum called me to meet the fam for drinks in the city, I said yes. And not once that meeting drained me. Quite the contrary, Friend – it charged me up! 

You know how I get – there is always that one moment, at every social encounter, when I get quiet. In that moment I watch and observe; I enjoy that exact flash in time. Here and now, how can we forget about it, take it for granted? 

            I don’t understand the world sometimes. So many plans for the future, but why not balance it with here and now? Like this exact moment, Friend. We sit on the fake grass on my balcony, blinded by the autumn sun with Winnie the Pooh tea mug in our hands. I bet this is how sunflowers feel, facing the sun. 

Why are you sittin at home on the floor?
What kind of pills are you on?

            It’s called the “concert-high”, look it up. Or maybe not, you can just listen! It all started back in spring with the first concert of Mrozu (as it turned out, it was the first out of three gigs of his I went to…). I remember when my mum came and we didn’t feel like going at all. It was the end of March? Somewhere around there. We poured ourselves drinks and debated whether we should go or not. 

Obviously we went anyway, because come on – a concert is a concert. And to think – I wasn’t his biggest fan… But it is a complex story and I don’t want to talk about it. You can’t help but notice my smile, as if there was something true behind it. It’s not like that, Friend. Anyway, let’s move on. The gig turned out to be fantastic and it was a snowball that rushed down the hill. 

Now that I think about it – is there a summer equivalent to that saying? No? Well, shame. I think all weather-related sayings should have their seasonal versions. It would be so nice, wouldn’t it? I notice your smile, and realize that some things never change – the drifting away will not go away.

            Next one was Hans Zimmer which… Ah, you know already. A dream come true – a proof that I am capable of making them come true. With not a single worry in my heart.

I don’t wanna talk about the way that it was…

            And then the snowball rolled and rolled with no intent to stop: Sanah, Dawid Podsiadlo, Coldplay, Meskie Granie 2022 (highlights: Ralph Kaminski, Fisz Emade Tworzywo, Vito Bambino, Krzysztof Zalewski, Daria Zavialow), Sanah again, Stay Wild Festival (Mrozu again, Lemon, Karas/Rogucki, Kortez), Ed Sheeran, Artur Rojek, Krzysztof Zalewski again, Mrozu… Third time is the charm, right? Kaska Sochacka, Cirque du Solei… 

And here we are, letting autumn in as she gently knocks on the door. My mum and I really went wild this year with all of the tickets, sleepless nights, night bus rides and dancing pretty much at every concert. Do I regret it? Absolutely not! 

My body and mind are tired and grateful for the break, but I wouldn’t change this summer for a more peaceful one. There is this calmness in buying concert tickets. Strike that – that’s usually mayhem, but the moment after securing the ticket – then comes the calmness. 

            Tour life. I got a pretty good taste of it, with just one disadvantage – working my regular 9-to-5 job. So, essentially working and concerting on the weekends. With no time to rest or regenerate, so I will let you do the math. The tea is getting colder, but that’s okay. We should head back inside anyway

I don’t wanna talk about who’s doin it first

            We have to leap over the heather flowers. They are inside because it’s been raining every night and I don’t want to overflood them. Been there, done that. I learned my lesson. We shake the coldness by filling up our mugs again. The days will be shorter now. Longer nights are my favorite part of this time of year. More time to watch movies and TV shows… More magical moments to capture in words.

Now more than ever I know that everything happens for a reason. Back in the day, I needed to know the reason, as if it was the most important thing in the world. Right now? There are millions of things I still haven’t experienced yet. Why waste time on worrying about the reasons? 

Friend, there is so much to look forward to: my “summer” vacation at the beginning of winter. New concerts in 2023. Big career challenges are happening as we speak. All the things I still want to learn! And all the things I can teach… You know, this summer was great. I gave all I could to the people I love and for the first time in ages, I got so much of the love back. 

            I used to love being by myself, being a completely lone wolf. Don’t get me wrong – I’ve said it so many times, I thrive with the right people. But this time… It seemed totally different. Better. Mutual. I still need “me time”, I still need the quiet days at my apartment, with nothing but tea, books and films. Not a single word spoken out loud. 

He just wants to know that you’re well…

            Life is not the same as it was but I am fine with it. More than fine! I don’t feel anxious about my birthday coming up; I’m not doubtful about Twin Peaks Café’s birthday… 3^rd one, can you believe it? Every day, I am amazed by my stubbornness to keep this place alive. 

I will miss all the gigs, you know? Even though it’s been very, very tiring. But I came to terms that autumn and winter are for rest and healing. I can focus on writing my book on the weekends! It’s going to be as great as the summer. Why wouldn’t it be? Look, I bought this cinnamon-scented candle. It has “autumn” written all over. 

I can bake some good cakes and watch my favorite movies, thinking of the sunny days, wrapped in that fluffy blanket. Do you ever get that feeling in your bones (not the real bones, it’s another expression. Quite dumb though), like something good will happen? Not great, not fantastic or spectacular. Good. Just… good old-fashioned GOOD. 

            Don’t laugh. You know I’m built differently than anyone else. This is why I think… No, I know. I know that good things will happen. Sooner, later – it does not matter. After all, the reasons are not that important if the end result is in line with my starts. As for the timing? Wish we could do something about it, but having everything under control is unhealthy and takes away the fun. 

You know it’s not the same as it was…

            Cheer up, my Friend. I know that when we started this – I made a circular motion in the air – I was much more melancholic and maybe even sad. But the thing is, these conversations help. I can speak my mind, with no fear. We did this. Together. I am finally comfortable with my own, weird little mind.

But I didn’t achieve that calmness alone. It was a collective effort that me, my friends and family put forth. Even if they don’t know that. And sure, moments of doubts, anxiety and fear will come, but this is something we all experience. And, as I like to say it these days: Nothing I couldn’t handle. 

It’s getting late and I think we should eat. From time to time, I like to eat breakfast for supper. So… How about some scrambled eggs? I cannot believe I like this dish again. Took me long enough! Get up, Friend. We gotta unload the dishwasher first.