Tune stuck in your head…

Tune stuck in your head…

                    Do you ever have a tune stuck in your head? But not in the way we know it: you hear a bit of it in a radio or car commercial; someone hums it on your way to work… You dreamt of it. And out of nowhere, that dream is like a scene from cheesy rom-com. Sadly, you wake up and the images drift away in the daylight, but the song is stuck. Like we had with Glory when we decided to have a conversation in the middle of the road, remember? Believe it or not, but a lot has changed since then. And it’s been what, 2 months? Yeah…

I don’t wanna have to go where you don’t follow.

                    That’s sweet, you know? You probably want to know about the dream first, huh? Aw, that smile says it all. And here I was, ready to ask how you’ve been for those 8 weeks without me. I mean, we are always close, but you know what I mean. So, the dream. Okay. Remember when I told you about this big decision I had coming up at work? It was a contest to write a business case for a trip to another office. And everything would work out well if it weren’t for the goddamn virus… And lately, I’ve been thinking about it a lot. In my dream, I was at the Los Angeles airport but I was supposed to go to Las Vegas!

The stewardess greeted me and I almost got a heart attack. I wonder how often it really happens, that people mistake LA for LV… Anyway, it was my client who bought the ticket, so at least not my fault, right? Hey, don’t laugh. I know it sounds very much like me, but I swear it wasn’t. My first thought in the dream was to fix it and get on earliest flight to Vegas. So I went to the counter (and there were millions of them, offering cars for rent, city tours, last minute vacations…) and I asked the lady (her name was Cathy) to check if there are any flights to Las Vegas.

As you can imagine, there were but in like, 5 days’ time. Which was not an option – you know how it is, working on client’s site. Cold sweats and chills. That’s how it felt for me. I was just about to say something back to her, when music suddenly THE SONG started playing.

Don’t walk away from me!

                    Dude, but check that curb out. Isn’t it tempting? Challenge your balance with me! Oh, come on. Don’t be skeptical and give it a try. I’ll buy you a beer if you win and not fall out of it. But hey, there are rules. No dirty moves, you hear me? You can use your hands for balance, but that’s a minus point for style. We walk the line in silence, both of us focused on taking small steps forward.

Best curbs in the city, this neighborhood!

Small step forward. Yeah, that’s the way to go these days. 18 weeks, man! 126+ days in the social lock down. But my city is opening up slowly – pubs and restaurants are on full speed, movie theaters opened (mine not yet, but hopefully soon) and 80% of people are being stupid again. Reckless. I’m trying to understand the bigger picture here, the frustration, the loneliness and monotony but for God’s sake. We’re not even in the endgame with that virus.

You reached the end of the curb and turned around to face me. Fair enough, you won the beer. But I will keep going, I like poking my balance-senses from time to time. Stay close, though. I might need your hand.

                    It’s strange, still. Wearing masks in public transport and in the stores. I should be used to it by know, but still… This is the world we live in now, right? How are you handling all this? You seem pretty normal. You smile, hearing that world, because you know what words will follow: what is normal? My feet are getting tired of the curb’s uncomfortableness, so I do my best not to wobble too much. Your hand grabs mine, hearteningly. Back in the game, baby!

Stay in my arms if you dare.

                    Always with the teasing, no? I am not going anywhere, buddy. And you know that in the truth or dare game, I always choose dare. Truth means vulnerability, and I don’t feel like it right now. It makes me regret. Puzzled frown on your face is a sign, that we have a lot to talk about… Well, in this case, there is not much to say. Fighting with loved ones is never easy, especially when you thought that you are doing something good for them. Lesson number one on friendship: no matter how close you are, never assume that your deeds will be good for them. Even if you try so hard! Always consult. Always!!!

That was my doom and things will never be the same, because those kind of cracks always stay visible on the mirror. I’m not proud of it and I never wanted it to happen, but… Life finds a way. Have you ever wondered, why people fight? Do they want it, do it on purpose? Or they have a bad day, which you know, should never be an excuse, but we’ve all been there.

What drives us towards the fight with our friends and family then? Need for a conflict? Envy? I stop and so do you. Tell me, friend. Because maybe it’s just me, you know? Maybe I am too much, too little, too loud, too quiet, too… Everything. Maybe I just piss people off. Or maybe it’s not me at all.

                    Seems like whichever I am, or doing, it’s just not good. Wrong note. So this time I decided to fight back and probably made things even worse. But sometimes you have to create a storm, for sun to shine again.

Trying out with the photography lately and let me tell you – I will always stop for the flowers!
I’ll never change all my colors for you…?

                    My laugh fills the empty air. Oh, something just like that. I mean, sure – we can bend and break for someone, for a lot of people – for family, friends, significant other. But does that mean, that in the process we must lose ourselves? Feel bad about choosing this option, instead of that one? So, basically – doing something against yourself only to fit into someone else’s frames? My walk on the curb finished with a swift and dramatic jump down on the sidewalk.

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Steel sculpture in Wroclaw (Dahlia Island) by Oskar Zieta

I sound angry, don’t I? That’s not my intention, but I just hate it so much! I hate fighting and leaving wounds open to bleed. It’s draining me, causing nausea and headaches. Anxiety, because it’s like walking on thin ice over a hellish fire. Life is too short to fight.

Unless it’s a fight for equality. Then we can fight till the last breath. Few weeks back, I had podcast at work about racism and minorities and for a moment, I forgot how this issue boils my blood. My brain does not understand hatred. I can’t explain it. Why does different skin color, religion, orientation, movie taste or literally anything else matters? Tell me! How can those things be reason for unjustified, pure disgust and contempt?

                    There is so much to do in the world, but people are to busy hating each other for being “different” – quotation marks because they are not really different. Why would someone even call them that? This is exactly why I don’t like humans. We don’t deserve each other.

I don’t wanna hurt anymore…

                    My hear aches for you, friend. I know exactly what you mean. The saddest thing is, that I think my hugs lost their healing powers. Maybe I am loosing as well… I feel lost and confused. Our world stopped for a moment and… Started spinning again, without warning. And I wasn’t prepared! But it was so nice to see friendly faces again! Hugging Rafal (who just recently quit work and left me alone with this madness), drinking wine with Otmane even though I still owe him one after that ridiculous bet from two years ago… And finally, going to the movies.

It’s hard to say which one of the above I missed most – hugging, hanging out or going to the movies. All of them the same, I guess. You smile, trying to read my face to find out if maybe there is a favorite… But in my eyes you see that I don’t pick favorites, not in this situation.

Hey, but speaking about movies. Do you remember how I imagine my first encounter with Christopher Nolan? Don’t laugh, think! Guess what. No, dude, come on. It’s not THAT easy, but… My local cinema did something “close enough” – 4 days with his best movies. So, on Thursday I saw The Dark Knight, on Friday The Dark Knight Rises, on Saturday Interstellar and today, cherry on top – Dunkirk. At first I was surprised that they did not include Inception, but I know that they are keeping this gem for August. Those evenings felt like aloe-vera over my burnt heart. One would say, crazy little thing (called love), but it really helped me. This was my much needed 1:1 with a brilliant soul.

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I won’t hold it back again, this passion inside!

                    And you never should, friend. Look, we all go through ups and downs, but it is important to never hold back. Ever. If you do, can you still call yourself “you”? Shaking your head, I see… What do you reckon: what makes people love us? Not fall in love, romantically. People love you, me, and everyone else, because we are passionate about something! Star Wars, speedway, football, drawing, photography, travel, cooking… You name it. I love you for the mystery! It’s like, every time I think I figured you out, you surprise me. Sneaky man.

I know why you love me – the storytelling! Haha, I know I’m keeping you at bay with the dream. It’s called suspense. We’re getting there, I promise. Just one last thing – I got a badge at work. This badge means, that I am good at something. At least, that’s how I explained it to my mum. Because frankly? I kind of have no clue what it means. I had to complete 15 hours of trainings and prove my experience as well as contribution in the subject – which was Transformative Leadership. Inspiring, to be exact. So, if I am good at anything – it’s inspiring. Doesn’t it sound cool?! This is one of the greatest super-powers one could have: be source of inspiration for other people.

                    This is why I love humans. Hey, I know what I just said few minutes ago – but this is paradox, a beautiful one. And you know who inspired me to explore paradoxes?

Yup.
Christopher Nolan.

I’ll never ask for too much
Just all that you are and everything that you do

                    Fair enough, let’s go back to the LA airport. Busy as ever, because I think it was outside the Corona fuss. For sure – it was truce between the virus and humans. Did you know, that almost always there is some kind of music on the airport, but you never pay much attention to it? Kind of like a white noise, or as I like to call it: listening the same song for 8 hours at work. So it felt weird in that dream, to hear Whitney’s song so loud and clear.

Do you know what flash-mob is? I have a Cambridge Dictionary definition for you: a group of people who arrange, by email or mobile phone, to come together in a place at the same time, do something funny or silly, and then leave. I don’t even know why I had a dream about flash-mob, but here we are, at the LA airport during rush hours. And first notes of I have nothing come in – sign for all those aware of the flash-mob, that you have to grab person closest to you and… Dance. As close, as slow as possible.

                    And I just stood there, in awe. I don’t think in Poland that would go as smoothly as in my dream – it seemed like I was the only one NOT dancing. And then I heard quiet “Hi” next to me. For dramatic purposes, I will not reveal who stood there. Don’t look at me like that, I am not spilling the tea. Though I can give you this hint: It was not Christopher Nolan.

I don’t really need to look very much further…

                    Oh, you know me so well, my friend. You guessed right, but let’s leave it at that. Maybe someone else will got it as well? Anyway, imagine my surprise when this man asked me to dance with him. The fact, that it was HIM does not surprise me at all – he’s been a main attraction here at Twin Peaks Café not so long ago, and my mind still wanders to his work. But the circumstances and situation I got myself into by saying yes… Completely different story.

You see, dreams are… What? Projections of what we want, deep down? Prophecy? Dystopian version of reality? Dreams are. Sometimes I think we should not pay much attention to them, sometimes the contrary. This dream felt more like wishful thinking. Oh, something like alternate universe in Marvel, called “What if…?”: What if, this was true, what if, this was possible, what if… The list could go on and on, right?

On July 8th I celebrated 10th anniversary of Inception. Maybe this is why I’m currently obsessed with dreams? Maybe this is why, I am trying so hard to understand what my brain is trying to tell me. Why this song, why this man? I think I know why LA/LV – that really sounds like my kind of mistake. What’s your take?

Can’t run from myself, there’s nowhere to hide.

                    There is a silence between us. You know me so damn well… I want something. Not someone, not THAT someone, just… Something. The closeness. Intimacy. Understanding each other, without saying a word. Something just like this – like you and me, here on the curb.

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But not that. Like that. Does that make sense? You feel my soul, so simple nod is enough for me. Thank you for that. I can always count on you, but sometimes it feels like I’m not doing enough for you. Tell me, is there anything I could do? You smile and shake your head. Strong and independent, that’s how I like you most.

                    I love those little talks, friend. It’s my space to vent out. Is it selfish? Healthy you say? Well… You’re kind of right. Oh, okay. No need for hissing, you are right. Happy? You just love teasing me, don’t you? But hey, I adore that kind of banter. It’s what makes us so great together.

Okay then. Let’s go get you that beer! I keep my promises, always.

I have nothing
If I don’t have you…

                    Oh, no. That’s not true – you have plenty. Your passion, your talent, skills, comfort zone to challenge. And don’t forget the balance – that damn thing loves a good poke. At the end of the day, you are your own man, love. I will never leave you, that’s a fact. But don’t feel dependent on me. One day, I will be gone, erased from the existence. But you will remain. And you have to keep going. Always.

8 thoughts on “Tune stuck in your head…

  1. We fight, because we struggle with whatever emotions going through our heads, Darling. We fight out of love,. We fight, because had a bad day.
    All of which, is no excuse. NONE. Whatever happened between you and your loved ones, story looks different from both sides. But in no scenario you are the monster – I don’t believe that.

    Misunderstandings will happen, but never go against yourself. Speak up, explain, move on.

  2. Wow, simply.. wow.
    I love those emotional posts of yours. I think they are my favourite ones. So raw and unfiltered. Magical.

    On a side note, dreams are bizarre and that’s why I really love them. I love how free the brain is in creativity when it comes to dreams. You can fly, make your dreams come true – options are limitless.. But understanding what YOU are trying to say to YOU is another thing, right?
    I also think people have disagreements or fight because of what grows inside of them for too long and the thing is we tend to vent out on the ones we care about the most because they’re always there. That’s a shitty, human thing but you usually realise far too late. You just have to learn to live with your mistakes and not dwell on them. Forgiving yourself for your own imperfections is the hardest of things…

  3. And my heart aches for you, Jules. And I know you’re hurting but… I want more. I want all of it , I want to drain the hurt and sadness out, so you could carry on with happy beeps only ❤️

  4. There’s a japanese movie I like a lot called 'Casshern' (2004).
    It ends with a kind of statement with which I agree and it goes like this:

    „At last I understand.
    We hurt others by our very existence.
    That’s just the way we live.
    We need to learn to forgive.
    Need to realize that existence
    is to be shared.
    We’re not just here to exist
    but to find the strength to co-exist.
    It may start from something small,
    it may even seem impossible.
    But we must start from somewhere.”

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