Tree trimming time!

            Christmas tree are up already, right? Come on, Buddy. Don’t give me that look, it’s not like I’m gonna trim it all over again. I just want to spend some time remembering all the good times I spent decorating trees at my parents’ house. Or these moments I spent with a friend picking the right one. Let’s get cozy with mulled wine. It’s a pretty sweet winter’s tale.

It’s winter fall
Red skies are gleaming

            This is my first tree in Vanadlore, my new apartment. It’s thrilling, you know? I see you walk by the tree – okay, it consumes a lot of space and the passage might be tighter, but who cares? It’s there, it’s a real tree and I couldn’t be prouder. Christmas tree is probably one of the most important customs for me. Apart from spending this time with our loved ones, my Friend, the tree is a true symbol.

I can see you’re glancing at the tree with a small smile. It truly brings out the spirit of Christmas in me. I’m in the kitchen, trying to open a bottle of mulled wine. The lights in the apartment and December-y scented candles are contributing to the cozy feeling. What do you say? Can we crack this one? The mulled wine is gently heating up, but should we add some more spice? I don’t know, but maybe let’s try it first. The oranges though, and cloves? That’s a must.

As the winter drink gest ready, I circle back to the living room to look at the tree and the decorations. I had to buy all the things; you know? The lights, the balls… Even that fancy bucket that serves as a tree holder. But it was so much fun, you know? I could pick all of it. Okay, I forgot to buy a decent topper, but hey. That red bow looks nice, right? The wine is ready!

Smoking chimney tops
Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming?

            So, what makes the Christmas spirit for you? Sorry, let me rephrase that – what enables that spirit inside you? Is it family time that always turns into chaos walking? Or maybe the gift-wrapping policy? Perhaps it’s the cooking? For me it’s the tree. Your side-eye is examining me carefully. This doesn’t add up, no? I laugh and start pouring the wine. Oh hey, I made eggnog. We can try it later, but I’m pretty sure I am a master of eggnog.

We can now sit down and enjoy the view. The only thing missing is the real fireplace. The TV image must do. Ahh, Buddy. I love this time of year. It’s magical, even if there is no snow so far. We had it a few weeks back and if you check the forecast, it’s not gonna be snowing anytime soon. So, that would be it about dreaming of a white Christmas.

You see that sparkly white ball? It’s one of my favorites. This was the first ornament I bought. There were four of them in the box, and it was love at first sight. They reminded me of the snowy globe I got from my brother. You know, which one. You love playing with it, shaking it to make the snow inside move. I don’t even remember for what occasion my brother gave it to me. I think it might’ve been my name’s day. Oh, yeah – that thing is a big deal for my family.

Children are fantasizing
Grown-ups are standing by
What a super feeling

            Back in the day, when I was a little girl, all the ornaments were made out of glass. There was even a factory not so far away from my hometown. We went there almost every year for a field trip with my school. One of the great things about it is that you could’ve ordered yourself a ball with your name on it. So, me and my brother still have these. I think the one we brought with our parents’ names got broken with time.

Mine remained at home… Oh Gosh, now that I said it, I can say that I will be driving home for Christmas! How cool is that? I will be staying with my parents again, which is kind of a sweet circle of life, no? Look at that home-shaped ornament by the top. It was a must-have. First of all, it’s just cute. Second, it’s a tiny house! 

Can I tell you a secret? You sip your wine and tilt your head. We should build a blanket fort. Throw some pillows, too. Your eyes wander to the two chairs in the kitchen. Don’t worry, there are two more upstairs. We can bring them and just create a fort. The wind outside is terrible. Your laugh fills the air and I realize how bad of an idea it is. Ah, just forget it. It is better to build that fort in our minds. A safe place, a sanctuary for your thoughts. 

(Dreaming) So quiet and peaceful
(Dreaming) Tranquil and blissful

            You see that tiny Christmas tree ball? Well, technically it’s not a ball, since it has the shape of a tree, but you get my point. I kind of love how cute it is. There is also a tiny snowman and a golden bear. These are so tiny and so lovely at the same time. My thoughts are filled with joy! 

That statement surprises you, right? Because that was always an area of special focus for us, right Friend? Now, I think the best part of this year for me was a realization. Like a… Revelation of sorts. You remember the story of a universal heartbreak, right? It was based on real events, that also wasn’t a shocker. And I almost re-lived this all over again. 

Part of me is still wounded by the events. I got my friend back, he reappeared in my life which felt great. Suspicious but great. I mean, how often does it happen that after a conversation like that, people just come back to where it all began? How do you recover? Do you talk about it, or does this subject join a previously non-existing list of taboos? At first I was just blinded by the happiness,

            And then I had an enlightening conversation with a friend. And I don’t want to sound like a selfish, egoistic person but… Sometimes you just need to hear these words. Of pure, lovely affirmation. That I am more than that and definitely better. Perhaps this is the first time I am starting to believe in that.

A breathtaking scene
With the dreams of the world
In the palm of your hand

            I think this part of the story requires eggnog. Let me heat it up for us. You follow me to the kitchen, as I take it out from the fridge. “Need nothing, attract everything”. That’s what my friend told me. I don’t deserve to be talked to in code. Inside jokes are good, but that is the only thing that keeps “us” together. I left out a small laugh. There was never such a thing as “us”. 

There was an idea of “us”. A different one for both of us. And then Albert made me realize that… I know who I am and even though I still haven’t figured out who I want to be, but… Right here and now, I know exactly who I am. And I am sick of power play, of talking in code. All of that. So, I was waiting for him to realize the same. I fall quiet, because it’s the first time I am saying this out loud. 

            The eggnog is almost ready. The key is to just gently heat it up, not make it simmer. I was in a mess because of him. And the idea of anyone being in that kind of situation because of ME? It would break my heart. And it looks like he never cared about this. 

I sigh and turn to look at the tree. It reminds me of how hope feels like. To be honest, I am just now realizing that his behavior is damaging everything we ever had. Everything we ever could have. Because how on Earth could I be with someone, who never treated me with top priority? 

My world is spinning
And spinning, and spinning
It’s unbelievable

            So, I’ve never had a real eggnog before. It’s not even the original recipe, but who cares? I propose a toast: for new beginnings. I am finally living the “love” limbo. Gaslighting the remaining feelings I had for this guy… The way he was awakening all of it inside me, was unkind to say the least. Hell, it was cruel. I was so afraid to lose him, you know? 

We went back to sit under the tree. I close my eyes and inhale the forest-like fresh smell of the tree. You can’t fool that nose, Buddy. Cheers. The glass makes a clunking noise and I watch you take your first sip. It’s something else, isn’t it? A smile appears on my face and you notice. An honest one. There is no need to be sad – nothing ever really goes, Friend. It changes shape. Besides, why would I mourn someone, who… Doesn’t care about me? 

            The only fault I can take is for being a dreamer, having a vision in my head. Vision based on things I heard and experienced. And it happens to the best of us, right? Why would I limit myself to a person that has a limited window of talking-time for me? I am worth more than that. And sure as hell – I deserve more. 

The eggnog warms us up nicely. I never thought I would get to that point of my life. And it’s not like I wasted these years, no. After all, you win some, you lose some. I won the freedom. I lost… Oh, I don’t even know. But it feels good, regardless. It feels so damn good. 

It’s all so beautiful
Like a landscape painting
In the sky

            You know what, my Friend? I feel like this Christmas the one thing I will not hang on my tree is the bitterness. The pity, the uncertainty. Happy beeps, from now on. No more waiting for him to respond or to give me a tiny bit of attention. So, again – to new things in life. It’s not New Year’s yet. And I don’t think I am a resolution kind of girl.

So, do you like it? You look back at me, puzzled. The tree I mean. I gotta say, this might be my best work. And hey, look down – Santa was kind of busy! I am happy with all the gifts I got for my loved ones. I hope they will like it too. And now? I think we have some movies to catch up to. So, a pillow fort then? 

P.S.
I wanted to give a special shout out to Radek who is my personal IT support and trying to save my laptop over a phone. The future of TPC depends on you and I couldn’t be more grateful!