Does it almost feel like nothing changed?
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all? But then again, everything changed. 4 years of writing and growing as an author. What an amazing year it was! Hello Lot and welcome to the 4th anniversary of Twin Peaks Café. It’s been a wonderful ride and it’s only going to get better.
I was left to my own devices
Many days fell away with nothing to show
Let me start with this: I was on the fence with using Bastille’s Pompeii as a “theme” but the lyrics are stuck in my head for some reason. And they also celebrated their anniversary, so it does sound fair. End of Bastille story, my relationship with their music is still complicated. And they are not helping with that Hans Zimmer version.
Anyway, doesn’t it sound crazy? 4 years of writing – and the fourth year, if I was to describe it with one word, was: gentle. I remember in the beginning, I was striving for perfection, posting every week, as if the world depended on it.
And partially, my own, personal world did depend on it. I thought that I have something to prove – to myself. Now, when I look at the numbers? 46 reviews, 49 personal posts (almost perfectly balanced, as all things should be!), few series in progress (Star Wars, Star Trek, Dune, Tolkien, Twin Peaks)… It’s going well. So damn well.
I am proud, Lot. 4 years of growth, maturing, expanding, daydreaming and healing. It’s been one hell of a 365 days. I was almost sure that I see a pattern here, with “even” months being absolutely terrible and the “odd” being quite normal, but it slipped lately, so… There goes my girl math.
And the walls kept tumbling down in the city that we love
Grey clouds roll over the hills, bringing darkness from above
Now that I think about it, my girl math does not make any sense, whatsoever. Favorite example of girl math? Buying concert tickets waaaaay before, so when the date arrives, the concert is “practically free”. Haha, damn. Speaking of – a few good ones this year, including Harry Styles and Imagine Dragons.
I mean, wow. Big names! And even bigger names coming next year: Taylor Swift and The Jonas Brothers (and hopefully few names will come up soon). Maybe Hans Zimmer will announce a new tour?Or maybe Bastille? Maybe Gorillaz.
You know, since my blog is a Libra, like its author, and since my therapist gave me an order to celebrate myself as well, I will. But in a minute, okay? Now I am distracted by my concert wish-list, which makes me think about the bucket list which makes me think about me, so here is the thought process.
I needed to “take this year slow” – when I look at 2022, it was crazy! Full of gigs, turning my life into a tour. But 2023 was gentle. Impressive, but gentle. And I have no regrets that I took things slow – not only with writing.
And if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?
Trust is a process – it’s not an instant thing. It does take time and it’s okay to take as much time as one needs. My book, for instance. I was so excited to start writing and then life happened and I felt stuck, I couldn’t find the pleasure of writing anymore.
And that’s the opposite of what I’ve always wanted. This place, this blog… It was (still is) my form of therapy. It was bringing me solace; it was an outlet for my pent-up emotions. Now that I think about it, it was yet another form of “The Lion King ritual”. Maybe a bit healthier…?
This year was a time in which I learnt to trust myself again: trust my gut, my instincts, my expertise and emotions. I trusted myself by giving my mind and body more breaks. Creative people need time to do absolutely nothing. I was so stuck that I assembled my Yoda Lego set like 2 weeks ago. A set I got earlier this year.
I put on hold a lot of things – watching season 3 of The Mandalorian, or even starting Ahsoka. Not to mention new films, with Oppenheimer being the notable exception and a form of healing. And you know what Lot, I am fine with pressing pause with these things, because I was able to keep on playing the life part.
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
I am happy with how I lead this place. Albert and I spoke recently (Twin Peaks podcast in progress, baby!) and with full honesty I can tell you Lot – I am proud of my hard work. I feel appreciated by all of you coming to read my words, to listen to my stories… I read the words you write back, and I grow. My heart is skipping so many beats, I should probably see a doctor about it!
It’s my little corner of the world that I can share with you Lot, and does it make me the happies person on Earth? Maybe. No, but I am really happy. I wish I had more energy to go back to regular writing, but let’s make one thing straight – my posts are never forced. Because I would rather not post than give you something that does not feel like me.
So yeah, gentle and effortless – if I had to describe this year in two words 😉 Because if you put too much effort into things, they tend to bounce in the wrong direction. But, if for example, you stop giving a fuck, it bounces right back. Case number one: Benito, the ficus benjamina, commonly known as weeping fig. I got it as a gift in February and was ready to throw it the f out in April.
But the moment I stopped caring, he bounced back and is all green now. But there is a counter case too – with my sunflowers. I planted them in April and they bloomed in freaking September. I made many mistakes with them, they almost did not survive a storm but it does not matter anymore – they bloomed. Just in time for TPC’s 4th anniversary.
But it was a different type of effort, you know? It wasn’t about proving something; it was about the comfort of the yellow petals. My sunflowers were tiny in comparison to the regular garden ones, but they were mine. And that is all I care about.
Oh, where do we begin, the rubble or our sins?
Oh-oh, where do we begin, the rubble or our sins?
I promised to say something about myself too, and since my birthday is also coming up… Lot, I realized now that I wasn’t fair to my friends. I kept comparing them to what I used to know from the University time and even before – and it wasn’t pretty. My birthday didn’t feel like mine anymore, so I convinced myself there’s no point in celebrating or making a big deal of it.
People in my life now – my friends, my best friend… It’s a transformative, healing experience. They celebrate my birthday because they love me. THEY MUST LIKE ME FOR ME! So, this year already feels different. The Eras party is already sending a pleasure chill down my spine.
And of all places, I will actually be in Amsterdam on the 4th of October (fours are strong with me this year, or?)! In Amsterdam making one of my biggest dreams come true: seeing Van Gogh’s paintings. Also attending a concert, but hey – Van Gogh, am I right?! And with someone very special: my godmother.
But you also know me, it’s never fully normal – I will have a set of small parties throughout the month, and one of them happened last Friday. That leads me back to the bucket list thing – it was one of the presents I got. And it’s an amazing one! A scratch poster with 100 things to do: like go whale watching or see the Northern Lights. There are things like “learn to ride a bike” or “donate blood” – but hey. I love it regardless.
The thing is – this blog was on my bucket list too, it still is. I love this place and I love what it gives me in return. It’s something I needed 4 years ago and it stayed forever. Hopefully, haha!
But if you close your eyes
Does it almost feel like nothing changed at all?
We say that things change but people don’t, which does not sound fair. People evolve or just… Go back, I guess? Things change. This place has changed greatly and it will continue to do so, because I also evolve. I used to “spit out” my emotions and now I give it more thought.
But I wouldn’t change a thing about this evolution, you know? I grow, much like my sunflowers. And now also tulips, because I bought tulips, which only confirms I am my greatest rival. Not an enemy, but a rival in a (now) healthy competition. And maybe, who knows? Maybe we can both get a gold medal in that life Olympics.
4 years, Lot! F O U R. I am… So happy and proud. And I only have one wish – well, two, as usual, the Nolan one is evergreen. But my wish for the 4th birthday is this: may the joy never end! <3
Thank you for joining me on this wonderful, unexpected ride. As Dale Cooper said once: “I have no idea where this will lead us, but I have a definite feeling it will be a place both wonderful and strange.” Let’s keep it this way.