All or nothing, baby!

            All of you probably thought I am going to post the Oppenheimer review today, huh? No, I am not ready to talk about it yet, give me some time. But it’s coming, probably next Sunday. Today? I need to chat with you, my Friend. Oh no, you are not in trouble. Want some wine?

I’m so in love, I’m so in love
I don’t ever wanna stop this ride that we’re on

            I got this bottle from my godmother; she came from Germany to pick her kids up. And since July in my family is also a birthday month, we had a small gathering on Saturday. Told you, July is AMAZING! And that wasn’t a lie – all things considered, it is the best month so far. 

But okay, I will tell you one thing Oppenheimer made me realize. Hmm, maybe more than one thing, but now you’re just being technical. We go outside to the balcony, the sun is shy today, hiding behind the clouds. I am obsessed with this song, though. Lauv will have his concert in Amsterdam in October and I am considering going, but this is a story for later. 

Oppenheimer made me realize that I haven’t met a soul yet that could possibly understand the depths and complexity of my feelings after watching this film. Been feeling awfully weird, you know? Like I am a bit much lately, too much for people to handle. My love for Nolan being one thing, you know? 

And to be perfectly fair, I don’t expect anyone to. It’s a lot, but I think it might be considered a green flag – being so invested into things that interest you. I mean, if that’s not a testimony to a solid integrity, then I don’t know what is… No, but seriously, Friend. This is so profoundly mine; I think Nolan is more me than Star Wars. 

            All of this was daunting at first, especially considering the emotional charge that comes with. But you know what? For a lonely soul, I’m having such a nice time! Today I watched this film again with a friend, and I have more screenings this week, which fills my heart with joy. Just imagine the warmth in my heart, when I read a text “I want to see this film with you, I want it to be the first time”.

I don’t ever wanna say goodbye
’Cause then all of those nights
They would just be all for nothing

            The other thing I realized was that being a genius or even considered being one is terrifying. All the “good” things that come with it, like respect, fear or being valued among your peers is one thing. But when you think about the responsibility, the expectations and pressure… Being on the “front line”, being the “poster person” is one of the worst ways to go.

You look puzzled, but I get it. Believe me, I am not Oppenheimer, nor would I want to be. I mean the man regretted his (or was it really his?) invention later, and sometimes this is the price you have to pay. The way he was dishonored from the “society”, the way his credibility was shaken after he was speaking his mind – a piece of mind that wasn’t particularly popular with certain people? Chilling.

Hey, don’t laugh. This is how my brain works, okay? Give me a couple more screenings and I will be able to formulate a somewhat objective… Though, you know what? Screw being objective, this is my place, I can pour my Nolan love in any amount I want, right? We both chuckle. 

I am deeming this an ultimate green flag: never missing an opportunity to talk about Christopher Nolan! And if by any chance there is someone who can’t handle it, well then there’s the door. It’s not a serving energy for sure. But you know how it is – there’s always someone to steal the light.

Third of October, we were never sober
First few times that we hung out

            Enough about Oppenheimer, though. Okay, maybe one last thing to prove my ultimate commitment to curiosity: the book on which Nolan based the script is on my way!!! Obviously, I had to buy it. I am that girl! 😉 Anyway, it sounds like a great read so I cannot wait. 

Let’s go back to the existential topics I wanted to discuss with you. I honestly can’t believe I am writing this, but damn – was I extra emotional this week. I don’t know if it was the Nolan effect, or one of the biggest disappointments that involved people close to me or is it yet another planet in a fucking retrogrades whatever, but damn. 

Frist of all, I cannot believe I was so blinded by the lights, and not in the good, The Weeknd way. I was blinded in the goblin-looking, disgusting and pathetic way. I can feel you cringe all the way from the swing and it is all well-deserved, don’t worry. I only feel bad for K., he was getting the daily download of my longing for days. It has to be all or nothing, no in-between.

It was on Saturday (hehe, the timing of this realization was just perfect) that I got my “OH MY GOD” moment. Why or why settle in life for people who don’t match your energy? Would you settle for a friend who is downplaying your success? Or the one that is trying to “outperform” you, like it’s a competition? Would you settle for a friend who recognizes things that are important for you but still manages to piss all over them? Exactly. 

            So why bother settling for men who don’t even try matching your energy? It’s amazing that I had to say it out loud, because, my Friend, this is a bare fucking minimum. I cannot believe how low my bar was, and bitch, I am a Kenobi! High ground is in my blood. 

But we fell in love somehow
First time that I met you

            And we all know how it is – one has to learn itself; one has to fail in order to… Well try not to make the same mistake again. For some reason, I’ve been “attracting” very weird men lately, and naturally, it made me think: am I the problem?

Partially I might be, but come on, why should I always blame myself? Okay, I can blame myself for being naïve and too romantic, dreaming of something amazing with someone who I thought would be willing to take a chance, but damn, Friend. It’s always a two-way street. Anyway, there’s no point in dwelling or regretting here – all is well, knowing that I remember how much effort I am truly worth.

So, all in all – Saturday was a good day. Bitter-sweet, for sure, because it’s never fun to realize such a thing but hey. It is what it is, exactly. Now, off to the good stuff: my godmother and I are planning a city break around my birthday. We talked about it a bit about it and I think we will go to Amsterdam after all – Van Gogh Museum and if the stars align, maybe we will make it happen with the concert.

This couple of hours with her made me realize I missed her more than I was willing to admit. We used to spend almost every summer together and then life happened and it’s been mostly video calls. One more proof that any relationship can thrive and bloom if effort is matched. But yeah, it’s been a wonderful dinner. 

Did you know that I never stop, no
Giving you everything I got

            Inevitably, July is coming to an end. Is this a scary thought? Not really, I think I can pull off the magic for a little longer – or at least until mid-August, when I have my next concert! Hey, don’t laugh – I know, I know. Buying concert tickets is not necessarily a solution to every problem, but it does help. 

It still is a good month, you know? And the signs are everywhere, even in the form of a human… Couple of people told me lately that if you let go worrying, life can and will get easier. There’s only so much we have influence over, you know?

And, if Oppenheimer taught me anything, it’s that theory only takes you so far. In theory, I know that excessive worrying is generating stress, stress in generating insomnia, insomnia is generating my anemia and it’s a vicious cycle. 

So, my dear Friend, it is time to put this theory in practice – and it starts now! After all, the only thing I have to lose is… The weight of the entire world on my shoulders. And honestly? I am a bit tired of carrying it all by myself. Anyway, yes – I did get the Taylor Swift tickets!!!! Still cannot believe we made it happen, though we had a lot of grounds in Europe covered, haha. 

I don’t ever wanna stop this ride that we’re on
I don’t ever wanna say goodbye

            The sun is trying to break through the clouds as we sip the wine in silence. I never actually asked you about this before, but is it okay to add ice to wine? Or is yet another social dilemma that brings absolutely zero value into our lives?

We both chuckle, realizing the lightness of that thought. I like having this kind of July problem, you know? Also, speaking of. I obviously had to order the book on which Nolan based his script for Oppenheimer and when I told my friend about it, he said to me “Jules, you have no idea how big of a green flag it is. You get invested into things that are curious to you in a matter of seconds. This is rare!” 

Great compliment, you know? And hey, progress – I did not question it! I full on accepted and said “thank you, I know!!” July, Friend. It’s magical. But yeah, the book is like 600 pages long and I cannot wait till I dive in. 

            I think we’re gonna be alright, Friend. Life is good, with all of its complexity and unexpected turns and you know… There is no point in regretting things. Sure, I have few that I will regret doing or not doing forever, but all in all – everything happened for a reason. And who knows, maybe we dodged a bullet?