Don’t dream it’s over

         Don’t… It’s easier said than done, considering how emotionally abusive life has been lately. And I mean, don’t get me wrong, my newfound confidence is still here; I still won’t chase, rather attract but… But. Sometimes you just can’t help but feel defeated. Hey Friend. We meet again. 

There’s a battle ahead, many battles are lost
But you’ll never see the end of the road

         I can see your puzzled expression, and I can tell that you don’t know what to think. This isn’t my usual sad mood; the feeling of defeat is new. It has nothing to do with my confidence, the new shoes or whatever it is that gave it to me. Yet again, I am faced with Kobayashi-Maru. 

Or maybe I am being dramatic, I don’t know anymore… Maybe I’m not, maybe it’s all valid and things are not as pretty as they paint them to be. Then again, nobody said it was going to be easy, right? Want to go for a walk? I feel like I need to get out, the 4 walls feel suffocating today.

Without a word, we went out to the familiar forest. The heaviness in the air weighs on both of us, but I know it’s my burden. Now that I think about it, my back was hunched all year long. There were moments, hell, periods even, when it didn’t feel so heavy. But lately it’s becoming unbearable and the only way to get it off my back is… Well, it actually might be easier than I’m making it sound. 

Now I’m towing my car, there’s a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion, but there’s no proof

         Your terrified look causes me to laugh, because man, am I being dramatic? Well, relax friend – it is just that. Sometimes everyone needs to be a drama queen. Or king, whichever serves you. In my case, it’s really simple: I need to say it out loud to the right person. 

Someone, who unlike me, can actually do something about it. And if they can’t or… Or if they won’t, then that’s helpful too. Because I will be able to look at myself in the mirror and say: You tried, Jules. You tried, you did everything and it’s time to stop wasting your energy and potential on things you don’t enjoy. 

And I will be able to move on. Last week I spoke with someone at work and they told me: “The secret is in the end that if life is nice – work is something necessary to get a living from. But in the end not take it overly seriously and keep on smiling.” That person has been working at this place for over 20 years and I asked one simple question: what’s the secret? 

         But that all boils down to the things I was afraid of the most: people thinking I failed or wasn’t good enough. Maybe I should give IT and myself more time. That I will be called too emotional and too involved. 

In the paper today, tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the TV page

         We walk in silence, the forest seemingly sensing my mood. Suddenly the trees seem hunched too, the branches look tired and everything is so quiet. The only sound we can hear is our feet. And it’s more of a dragging sound, rather than quiet footsteps. 

Yet, there is this calmness in me, Friend. And I know you can sense it too, that’s why you’re not panicking right now. Whatever I am feeling right now, it’s temporary. Just like the confidence, so is the defeat. And the best part is – I am the only one who thinks that way.

About the defeat, not about things being temporary. Don’t get me wrong, my Friend – I have tons of proof saying that I did not fail, quite the contrary. I did the best I could with what I got. And you know, being in a “position of power”, as they call it, and having no powers whatsoever… This is when the failure creeps in. 

It’s funny how after all of the therapy and coaching sessions, I am still trying to downplay my success and efforts. And if the argument is all because I am too emotional, then… Well, so? I care a bit more than I should, that’s right. Is that a bad thing, though? 

Now I’m walking again to the beat of a drum
And I’m counting the steps to the door of your heart

         I really need to write this book damn fast, because oh boy, am I dying inside? We both chuckle now, and I feel a bit lighter. See? I told you, it’s all temporary and Crowded House knew what they were doing NOT putting a period between “don’t dream” and “it’s over”. A friend told me that it’s not me who’s losing here. 

So… If we turn the tables, perhaps I am not the one stuck in Kobayashi-Maru? Maybe it’s them, but they don’t realize? Wait, hold on. No, that’s not right. Whatever is happening, it’s not a no-win scenario. There is a win on the table, and actually – it’s going to be a win-win. 

Your confusion is adorable, but trust me, Friend – it will make sense soon. Sometimes you just need to say some things out loud and realize how silly they sound and that yes, in fact, you are being dramatic. 

They come, they come to build a wall between us
We know they won’t win

         Funny thing is how all that is happening at work or in our personal lives is affecting our dreams. The one place where the brain separates the actual event from emotion, often giving us solutions or the strength to let go. 

Today I woke up in tears, covered in sweat and exhausted. Few nights ago I decided not to sleep at all to avoid potential nightmares. Yeah, you know which night I am talking about, you still haven’t forgiven me. That’s classic overthinker right there: tell myself it’s better to deal with being tired than with possible nightmares. 

That one is on me and I am sorry. But this one today? I did not expect it to shake me so much. Literally – I swear my insides are trembling. And I know, I am damn sure this nightmare was bullshit, but just a mere thought of it… I’ve been thinking about dreams lately, more specifically how afraid I am to dream. 

For sure I am overreacting to a few rough nights, but it always makes me wonder. And I can’t stop but look for connection between these dreams (or choosing not to have them) and my current state of defeat. Friend, be honest with me – is this your way of showing that you think I am giving up? 

Only shadows ahead, barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and release

         We talked about this, come on… I know I have to face my fears, but why let me know in such a brutal way? Look at me, I am a mess today. I tear up hearing the first notes of a song that reminded me of someone. The tears stream on the thought that my friends might think I’m too much and it’s time to let me go. 

And none of that is true, I know that. But you better tell the same to our anxiety, because I am tired of the mood swings. And today, of all days, it’s the worst. I remember what my therapist told me: it’s okay to have one, two, three bad days; it’s okay to struggle and feel whatever I am feeling right now. But the most important thing is to find the reason and deal with this. Not with crying, or needing someone, or wanting a hug. 

It’s always about the trigger. On Thursday, we went for a road trip and I was in charge of getting us tickets for Skybridge and Skywalk. Instead of buying 4, I bought 3 and let me tell you – it took me everything not to cry right then and there. And just to be extra funny, initially I thought I forgot about my friend, but then I realized: I wasn’t counting myself. 

         See what you’re doing to me lately? Imposter syndrome is one thing, but these intrusive thoughts are not cool, Friend. I thought you knew better than this. Honestly, I was expecting scary dreams after watching the triple feature: Predator, Predator 2 and Alien vs. Predator.

There is freedom within, there is freedom without
Try to catch a deluge in a paper cup

         Regret is a funny thing. Powerful and yet funny, when you think about it. And the funny part kicks in when you start regretting “things that never happened”, because your brain, not to call any names here, thinks it is a great escape from reality. You know what is a great escape? 

Watching movies. Oh, wait. Let me rephrase that: Being able to watch new things, like the 3rd season of The Mandalorian or Succession or a new movie, any new movie. This is escape. As much as I love The Office, I feel like I am going backwards to April. Don’t you remember how exhausting that month was? 

Yet, there was a solace – the realization that it’s all going to be temporary. Right now, I am so addicted to this thought of temporary-ness, it’s the only thing I can focus on. How dangerous… But as I’ve heard a million times these past weeks: it is what it is. If this word is letting me go day by day, we’re gonna be okay. 

Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over
Hey now, hey now, when the world comes in…

         We reach the other edge of the forest that overlooks the vast fields of… I don’t know what that is. It’s green and yellow and the sky over it is blue. I can see you frowning at the scent, because it’s unexpected to smell lavender and see nothing violet ahead. 

Did you really think you’re the only one with aces up their sleeve? I know you a bit by now, and so I’ve come prepared. Lavender is just as awesome as not drinking coffee to avoid the anxiety. But well, the coffee is essential so, there is currently no option to cut it off. Now, because eventually I know I will have to. 

Besides, my go-to coping mechanism, reggaeton, stopped working. I think it’s time to go back to the roots – Snoop, D.R.E. and Kendrick. This time you are laughing louder than I am, but it’s a nice sound. With a heavy sigh, I know we will be alright. After all, dreams are just that – dreams. Even though Frank Herbert said that dreams are messages from the Deep. Let’s not go there, okay?