Those nights…

            Those autumn nights, Friend! Soon it will be winter and then, the Christmas nights! I am so happy and excited for the days that are coming! But hey, don’t stand there in the cold, come on in. The weather is very tricky these days, come inside. I have new flavored coffee!

I can feel your eyes in the back of my head
Burning, burning, burning

            Oh yes, I can have coffee now. I guess my body finally adjusted to the meds. So, yeah I am taking advantage of those moments when my body is feeling better and I ordered some festive blends: chocolate orange, Christmas cake and gingerbread. 

And yes, you guess correctly – my Christmas mugs are all cleaned up and ready to be used. I know, I know many people probably think I am crazy to celebrate holidays so soon, but you know what? Couldn’t care less. I said what I said, and it is Christmas time in Vandalore! 

Though I must say, it will look better when it’s snowing outside, but hey – I will not be complaining. And as much as I enjoyed the summer, I am ready to embrace some coldness. Besides, look at that gigantic blanket my parents got me in Ikea. What’s not to love here?! 

I’m chemically drawn closer to you
Eyes wide, eyes wide open

            My therapist asked me lately what is the one thing I am proud of about myself and I told her, with a genuine smile, that in the last two weeks I spent a lot of quality time with art. The Beksinski live show, Klimt & The Kiss and then American Film Festival (only managed to watch Priscilla because well, I’ve been unwell the next day to watch Next Goal Wins). 

It might sound like I am making a big deal out of it, but it truly was a big deal – I missed those moments. I felt like my brain was so overworked, overwhelmed and tired, it couldn’t really enjoy the things I love so much.

And that also goes for writing, you know? I feel like for a long, long time I’ve been writing “functionally” to keep myself going instead of enjoying it. But it’s also okay to recognize that and take a break. 

            I feel like it’s getting better lately – be that the meds or just maybe seasons’ changing… Or maybe, just maybe it’s the winter tea I am making every day now. So, what will it be, Friend – tea or coffee?

Those nights when your friends are gone
When you’re holding on for someone to leave with

            Let’s have tea, then. The secret really is to stick the cloves into the orange slice, you know? And add it a bit later, when the water is not boiling. I am no longer a fan of those Christmas blends, really. They all feel very perfumy. 

You know, in moments like this I am so very grateful and appreciative of making plans. You frown, as if I discovered something Nobel worth. Also, speaking of Nobel, or lack thereof, I have completed my cinema run of Oppenheimer with a glorious number of 10 screenings! 30 hours, can you believe it? And I loved every single time. 

And not that it’s really important, but I broke my own record, held by TENET and it was 9 times. No regrets whatsoever. We should do things that make us happy, no? And movies are what makes me happy. 

I slice the orange and ginger, if you could find the cloves in the spice drawer, that would be amazing. This household is still only accepting Earl Grey as a tea, so… Unfortunately, that is non negotiable. 

Those nights when you crave someone
To be there at dawn, to wake with, cause aren’t we all just
Looking for a little bit of hope these days?

            But I told you about my newfound appreciation for making plans. There is something truly magical in making plans for the future. First, it’s kind of just amazing, no? To be so carefree and in a good place to make future plans. Second, it gives you something to look forward to. 

And it’s still early to talk about 2024 or to sum up what happened in 2023, but… I can see so many great things coming next year, starting with a little winter getaway with my girls. And then, in March the three weeks out and about in Asia. 

I pour the water into the winter, well, Christmas themed mugs and we watch how water turns from transparent into all shades of brown. I love to see these swirls, you know? Despite the brown, it always reminds me of “Starry Night”. 

            Speaking of, I know I am falling behind with my painting, but hey – baby steps! Besides, it’s like any good book for me, I don’t want to end it too quickly. But lately, painting has been a strange new world for me. A safe haven, if you will. 

As you trip and fall, dragging me up the stairs
Wha’’s your, what’s your name, now?

            There is something magical about these brush strokes, you know? Seeing how you can make the paint blend into a different color. I started my little art project, which is painting music. Your curious look makes me smile.

It’s not that complicated really, as you know I love to listen to one song in a loop and I just decided to channel this anxious energy into art (as if to almost paraphrase late Carrie Fisher: take your broken heart and make it into art): I paint the colors I associate with the song. 

So far I only painted one, and it was truly an obvious choice, but I will give it to you to guess what song it was. But I think it will be fun to look through these in some time. I purposely do not write song titles anywhere on the painting to make sure it’s all purely based on my emotions.

But seeking solace in all kinds of art is… Somewhat strange and at the same time, feels like coming home. Again, my brain is finally back at the sponge stage, absorbing anything and everything. And it’s a hungry sponge, too, so I am so glad it’s finally eating well.

You try to get to Heaven on a night like this
But you, you never get to Heaven on a night like this

            As the tea finally has the right colors, I can put in the ginger slice and spiced orange. Now, there is a tough choice before you, my Friend: strawberry or raspberry syrup on top? Your chuckle echoes in the apartment, but it’s a serious one! This tiny choice can really alter everything in the experience. 

Strawberry it is, good choice. You know, I recently realized that life without constant anxious feelings is wonderful. It’s a bi suspicious, but truly wonderful. And I know it didn’t just magically go away, it’s all the chemistry in my brain shifting and lights are changing, but still – I cannot tell you what a relief it is. 

But I guess you feel it too, right? It’s even with the little things, like the bus running late or something not working the way it should. I cannot believe these things used to stress me out SO MUCH. Living in a constant state of anxiety is awful and I don’t think people realize it. I mean, we just go with it, right? Because it is what it is. 

            Well, as my mum says, only a cow doesn’t change its mind, so here we are. Have you seen my tree yet? It’s a bit different this year, a little less flashy. I mean, the lights are still here and I think Vandalore overall is a bit more flashy, but the tree itself is a bit more… Hmm, what’s the word? Peaceful? Calm? Maybe it’s a reflection of my soul now? 

Pulling at my t-shirt, your hands everywhere
Rising, rising, rising

            I slide the mug your way on the counter and it’s time for a toast. I love doing these lately, even if they are completely wordless. Sometimes you don’t need words, right? It’s the gesture that matters. But the clinking is mandatory, so bring it on, my Friend.

The soothing sensation spreads in waves and you know what? It’s a simple little thing, enjoying a cup of tea, or a mug at this point, but… It’s phenomenal how I can finally appreciate the waves. Because for the first time in years, the waves are not a prelude to a storm, but rather a serene moment at the sea. 

So, tell me my Friend. Are we excited for the upcoming Christmas season or what?! We can start by catching up with the Christmas episode of CSI: New York. Hey, don’t you grin like that at me, you dork. It’s still the 2nd best TV show ever made, and it’s only 2nd to CSI: Miami. With these two gems, Twin Peaks has a solid 3rd place 😉