Tell me you love me, if you don’t then lie

             Just tell me you love me, if you don’t then lie… Lie to me. Quite often I have a song stuck in my head, you probably noticed that. On good days, I don’t mind. It’s just a song, but… Is it really? I can’t imagine my life without music, but there is a curse attached to that. Because on the bad days, I focus more on the words and meaning of the tune. Hello, Friend. I wish I could say “long time, no see” but we talk more and more lately, and I am still figuring out whether it’s good or bad.

For a second, I was in control
I had it once, I lost it though

              Love is a strange thing, wouldn’t you agree? You know how complex my definition is, so a smile is your best answer. Hey, how do you like my new hat? I got it out of the blue, I just saw it at the store and though “Hey, I could totally dig that look”. And here I thought I am not a compulsive shopper! Your laughter fills the cold, autumn air as we walk slowly to our favorite bar.

I am when it comes to books, is that what you wanted to say, friend? What can I do, I love books, especially the used ones. I found a gold mine, on the depths of the Internet and once a month I give myself a little present. Or two. Does it really matter? Oh, come on – don’t give me THAT look. I know, I have plenty of unread books but I can’t help it. Speaking of – I’m three books deep into the DUNE series and wow boy, I need some time to wrap my head around this universe.

              So, I took a little “one-night stand” break with A Clockwork Orange and it shook me to the ground. I knew it’s going to be weird, like the movie, very peculiar but…

The fire would sparkle in your eyes…

              Our bar is very quiet, though autumn is a pub season. Not this year, not in 2020. Our government is slowly freezing the economy again, so all we can do is take out. Do you think they can spice our tea with rum, if it’s to-go? Your mischief smile tells me that even if they can’t we still will have our spice in.

Go-to. I like that phrase, you know? I love go-to stories about something. Oh, you don’t know what I mean? Okay, no worries then, I will just tell you. Do you hear that song, Love? Don’t laugh, maybe I want to be a little more British when I call you that? Anyway, can you hear it? We have no trouble with recognizing every word, there is no evening fuss around us. Of course you know it, you talk to me in this song. It hurts, doesn’t it? This tune just hurts.

              The bartender hands us our teas, that smell of cinnamon, cloves, orange and… Is that a hint of nutmeg? I’m not sure I had it with tea, but who knows? You never know if you don’t try it first. The go-to cups are so big, my heart grows. There is no such thing as “too much tea”, right? Only now I realized that you started to feel that overwhelming sadness. It’s okay, trust me. The first time I listened to this album, my heart broke.

And I wish you could have let me know
What’s really going on below…

              Getting there, Love. Let’s take our favorite walking route, okay? I need that familiar comfort now. Okay, ready for the story? I watch you adjust the hat on my head, to maintain maximum heat. I know what you think – I can’t get a cold now. Too much is going on for me to be sick. You don’t talk a lot today and I don’t know if I should be worried or is it the melancholy of Ghost Stories (not) talking.

This is the 6^th Coldplay album. Previous album, called Mylo Xyloto was so colorful, remember? All colors at once, full brightness. For the next album, the band wanted to do something more “stripped”, more acoustic. Something calmer. Do you remember when I told you about how broken heart can make an art? Once again this turned out to be true – Ghost stories for Chris Martin represents personal journey learning about Unconditional Love.

              Do you think it exists? Unconditional love? Chris Martin, when asked about this album said: “how do you let the things that happen to you in the past – your ghosts – how do you let them affect your present and your future?” I don’t remember anything, that would make me stop and think: OH MY GOD. Why am I doing this to myself, you know? Why do we keep living in the past?

Before I forget, here is my go-to Coldplay story: Ghost Stories is the saddest Coldplay album. Chris decided to write it and record it after splitting with Gwyneth Paltrow. So in a way, this is a breakup record. If you listen carefully to the lyrics, you will understand how hard it is to lose the one. How painful it is… There is one “bright” song on that album, called Sky full of stars. It’s like this spark of hope and happiness – a trailer for a better future. Forecast of hope, maybe? What do you think?

Tell me you love me
If you don’t, then lie

              It is so nice of you to think that I am capable of saying that. Physically I am, of course. Many people are. But I am not sure if… Okay, no. Sure, I would mean it. I do love you! It’s just… No words try to escape my mouth, as we walk towards my favorite spot. Your patience is unbelievable. How do you bear with me, friend? I know that being my conscience, you don’t have much choice. I am sorry for being so difficult at times. But hey, I am full of hygge too, right?

That comment makes you laugh and my heavy heart feels a bit lighter. I would never lie to you though. What would be the point, if you are the only one who really knows me at all? Ah, and there it is – the smile that faded away for a moment.

              Lately I’ve been thinking about how people do it, how they meet during pandemic. And yes, I tried online dating – probably in the worst possible time, though. But is there any other way these days? It didn’t work out, if you’re curious. Well, I can’t really say that it didn’t-didn’t, but… I don’t know, Love. I’m not that kind of girl, really. Which is hilarious, given that I love to write. Anyway – there are rules and there are exceptions. So far, I am the rule. And there is only one rule that I could quote here: “if a guy wants to be with a girl he will make it happen no matter what”.

Remember once upon a time
When I was yours and you were blind

              Thank God you didn’t think that I watch way too many romantic films. I don’t, really but this one (He’s just not that into you) was a good one. And hell, what can I say? It is the truth, though it works both ways – if a girl decides to ghost the guy, there is no way in the world, he is getting through that wall. Truth time? It’s scary. Getting used to loneliness, because it’s only one step from shutting down. The line is very thin, my friend. Sometimes I wonder if I’m there yet.

This week was such a nightmare… A lot of bad things happened – in the country and in my life. Remember that trick I told you about? To do things by yourself but with someone close around? It’s getting harder for me. And I don’t know if it’s my beloved autumn doing a shenanigan on me, or am I getting dangerously close to that edge.

              I’m angry and tired, done and ready to fight at the same time. My heart is burning with a fire red that will not turn blue anytime soon. What else is there to do, Love? Tell me. I call you “Love” because it is such a beautiful, meaningful word. Love is the way, isn’t it? Damn, love must be the way. And you do not argue with The Way, just ask the Mandalorians.

In the darkness before the dawn
In the swirling of the storm
When I’m rolling with the punches and hope is gone
Leave a light, a light on

              I stop, abruptly hearing those words. I did not see that coming, but you understand. You let those words sink in, settle in my head. You see, I am not used to seeing myself as “a light”. Light is a beacon of hope and I’m not sure if I am up for that task. Coldplay did a real trick on me, with this album. Damn it! Why do I overthink it so much?

It is a good moment to add your rum to our teas. I can see that you disagree with overthinking, you call it “thinking”. You are just a little bit more sensitive to the beauty of art. I know that, okay? I do. And I hate it sometimes! I hate this vulnerability. And then you smile, because you know that I don’t mean it. And Chris Martin knows that too: “Up to a certain point in my life I wasn’t completely vulnerable and it caused some problems. If you don’t let love in then you can’t really give it back (…). You’ve got to open yourself up to love and if you really do, of course it will be painful at times, but then it will be great at some point”.

              My mum does not understand the phenomenon of rum. The thing is, it goes nicely in a drink, tea and coffee. A tiny bit of it, makes your beverage spicy enough to warm you to the bones. And in this crazy, wild world we need all the warmth we can get. Plus, rum is the most melancholic alcohol I can imagine, so for the purpose of this conversation, I will allow it. You know that I am not big of a drinker, so you pour just a little. Enough to make the spice flow. Nope, I will never let the Dune references go. This series is too precious. I can feel your gaze drilling my body, trying to capture my eyes as well. I am not avoiding you, no.

When I’m rolling with the thunder
But bleed from thorns
Leave a light, a light on

              So, where are we now? I look around to see my favorite neighborhood, plunged in darkness. Street lamps grant us dimmed, warm light and the moon is full. Well, the full moon was actually yesterday, on Halloween. Do you know that in Poland we have something else? I like this “custom” more. It’s called “Dziady” and it’s an ancient Slavic feast that commemorates dead ancestors.

The Polish, Belarusian, Russian and Ukrainian word means „grandfathers” and is sometimes translated into English as Forefathers’ Eve. The remembrance took place twice every year (in spring and in autumn), but these days it is held around the end of October. During the feast the Slavs perform libations and eat ritual meals, to celebrate the living and the souls of the forefathers who joined the “dziady” after dark.

              Somehow it seems darker than Halloween we know. Have you ever wondered what that word means? “Saints’ evening”. It comes from a Scottish term for All Hallows’ Eve. And a long time ago, it was just as dark as our Dziady. My thoughts circle back to the dead, the people I miss so much in my family – my granddads. Can I tell you a secret?

And you wonder when you wake up, will it be alright?
Feels like there’s something broken inside

              Nobody knows that, not a single soul. For quite some time now, I’ve been writing letters. To both of them. Please, don’t hug me now, you know what will happen. There is so much they… Are missing out. So much. I have so much to tell them, so much to share, to complain about. o many regrets, Love. I could’ve done so much more with them.

• 

• 

You don’t say anything, because you know there is no way of getting me out of this pit, so all you can do is share it with me, voluntarily. Please tell me you do that, because you choose to. You don’t feel obligated, right? The warmth in your eyes is clear.

              This is why autumn melancholy is dangerous. All it comes down to is balancing on the edge. One wrong move and you will fall down. And believe me, it takes a lot of effort to pick yourself up, back to that edge again. Don’t worry, I am a master of this art. A small chuckle I hear? Yeah, if there is one thing I excel at, it must be it.

Call it true,
Call it true love

              Oh, I never told you why A Clockwork Orange shook me so much. There is this quote there: “Goodness is something chosen. When a man cannot choose, he ceases to be a man”. And as much as the concept of this banned book is very… Radical, I don’t remember words having such imprint on my heart. And I think that this is the problem that we have to, we must fight for: ability to choose.

Thank you, Friend. I feel like I just unfolded another layer of my complicated soul. Another armor down, for life on Earth to crush the spirit. I feel like another cup of tea. Can we find a place to hide? Just anywhere away. It could be a blanket fort or a silent forest. My thoughts are loud enough…

              Choose love. No matter what you do, Friend, or where you are. Always choose love. Live to love, it’s the only way.