Why not now?

            Why? I mean, now the time is perfect, wouldn’t you agree? After all, timing truly is everything. I talk a lot about confidence lately (perks of being a counselor, I guess?) but… Does it really matter? Sure, it’s important in life, but I believe that having courage is far more significant. And sexier. Hey, Friend. Want some coffee? Why don’t we take it to go and explore my favorite forest? 

Came in for the embers
Stayed out for the breeze…

            Being back at my parents’, even though just for the weekend and they are not here (went to Germany to visit my godmother, my mum’s sister), feels a bit odd. It’s funny how quickly we adjust to “new” things and situations. Not so long ago, like 18 months? Okay, you know what, why do I bother with math in the first place? Your smile says it all, I was never good at it. Anyway, when I moved it to Vandalore, it took me a week to call it “my home”. 

Despite living with my parents for 28 years, right? Interesting how our brains work that way, just moving on so swiftly. And yet, there are some things, people and events that we just can’t move on from. The coffee is brewing and I watch you stand there, the cats walking between your legs, curious. 

Why the melancholy, you may ask? It’s a good one, I promise. But before we go there, before we take that old road again, let’s talk about the sun. Your confused look makes me laugh. I am dead serious, though – let’s talk about how AMAZING THE SUN IS. I am a completely different person when it’s out. 

And yes, I will continue spreading the theory that I am, in fact, a severely complicated plant. More specifically, I am a sunflower. I need the sun, the moment my face can face it, I bloom. Your shocked expression gets me all the time.

I need to feel elements to remind me
There’s beauty when it’s bleak

            See, I still love autumn, there’s no doubt. I will never trade my pumpkin spice for something iced (I mean, don’t get me wrong, I like some ice but…) but I feel alive feeling the warmth on my face. I think it’s because this damn autumn feels like forever. If there was a proper winter, with snow and blizzard and all that jazz, maybe it would be better. 

The coffee is ready so I hand you the cups so I can wear the shoes. I am so excited to go for that walk! It feels like another forever since we did this. Plus, there is some extra swag when you walk around with a regular mug around, eh? 

It’s probably gonna be a bit crowded, but why should we care? The sun is out and that is the most important thing right now. So, let’s start with the “why”. Do you remember the Women’s Day celebration at work? 

It was a weird day overall, but I had the opportunity to talk about women in the cinema industry and how big of a difference luck makes. But one of the things I still cannot stop thinking about is the idea of a “corporate why”, that boils my blood. 

They say that all scars will heal, but I know
Maybe I won’t…

            See, people in the corporate world made me believe that without that “high purpose” why, I am not worthy to be there. I was, still am, a subject to the pressure of having and sharing my why. Why do I wake up every morning and do what I do? We walk in silence for a few moments and I try not to laugh. 

My answer is very simple at this point: you want to know why I wake up every day and go to work? Well, I have bills to pay and concert tickets to buy! Suddenly, I stop in my tracks. Wait, I did not tell you why I am a sunflower. Well, the obvious reason is that they really face the sun all the time. The urban legend says that if there are clouds covering it, the sunflowers face each other.

Now, I could not find the scientific justification for it, but I will go with it – because whenever there are stormy clouds in my life, I face my people. And I call that a big-ass progress, considering I used to retreat to my shell. So, yes – I am a sunflower, blooming with the sun and right people around me.

            We continue walking and I don’t even have to tell you to follow the arrows. You just know that this is my favorite route in this forest. Speaking of favorite walking routes, I am meeting my people later today so we can grab that first iced of the season and kick off the walking mood. 

The wind rush through thе trees
I keep my eyes peeled

            But yes, back to the why, because I feel like I’ve awoken your curiosity. Have you noticed that my mum uses flavored coffee beans? It feels so sweet and so soft on the tongue. Why does it matter, you might ask? It doesn’t, I just try to notice these little things. Like how the sun is beaming through the tall trees, creating beautiful patterns on these small plants. 

My “work why” is not that grand, yes. But that’s not because I don’t like my job, no. It’s just that I know damn well it is only temporary. And how long that temporary will last? Beats me, but I just know deep down that I will get Melancholy hill published and climb out of the corporate world.

But until then, why should I pretend? I “fake it till I make it” quite a lot in different fields, but damn, pretending to have a high purpose smell from a mile away. And if I am any kind of leader, I am an authentic one.

            Silence settles between us, because you realized that is only just beginning to the bigger picture and that whatever I’m about to tell you, will forever be out there, in the stratosphere. Words are truly the most powerful weapon capable of changing and influencing one’s mood. 

The memories always fall short
Of what we could’ve been 

            These past two weeks took a big toll on my head, mind and mental sanity. I cried countless times in the bathroom at work, I cried at work, I fought the tears when my dad gave me a lift home and asked if I’m tired. I couldn’t even bear to look at him, Friend. And he just knew. He knew damn well once I closed the doors behind him, I would crumble to pieces on the cold floor of my apartment. 

It’s not that I feel unhappy, but I am not… Entirely happy. I’m in a limbo and I don’t like it. First of all, I am way too young to feel that. Or not feel that. Because the second emotion? Feeling? Is numbness. And it’s not fun. 

Your hand slipped into mine for the comfort I clearly need. It’s remarkable how holding someone’s hand or giving them a hug can make all the difference… I think my problem still is that it’s hard for me to believe that people don’t mean what they say or do, or that they are preaching bullshit. 

The best part of this entire situation is that I already have a plan and wheels are in motion, but… Still. I feel this overwhelming injustice washing upon so many people, it makes me question everything. So, yes – I know it’s temporary and things will get better sooner rather than later. After all, even the Universe has its limits for the negatives, right? 

But the waves won’t break my boat
The waves won’t break my boat

            And until that happens, I have my other human-plants around me to keep me growing and blooming. Even though the future is scary, why not now? And if not now, then when? There’s no such thing as “good time” to change your life. And if you have the best person by your side to do it with? I mean, come on, Friend. 

You are amazed by how calm I am, when revealing this universal truth. That brings us back to confidence and courage. Confidence is the byproduct of the micro-acts of courage. And it goes beyond your work, really. I mean sure, did I feel ready to take over a team? Hell no, but I did it anyway. 

In life, it’s a bit trickier – because we only get one of these, right? So, there is a natural hesitation to text someone or reach out or just take a leap. What if I misread the signal? What if I made a fool of myself by texting? But then again, why should I care? That was courageous so at the end of the day, I won. 

            It’s very hectic, this coffee of ours. I’m sorry, but I feel like there’s a million thoughts racing in my head, as if the sun fueled my veins with energy. For some reason you keep up beautifully. We approached a fork, the devious one. Two arrows, white and yellow. There is a third option, which is a bit unknown, because there is no marking on the tree.

The more that I love, the less that I feel
The times that I jumped never were real…

            Why not now? What is holding me back? Family? Oh please, they are my biggest fans and supporters. Boyfriend? Don’t have one so there goes that problem. Friends? They are the ride-or-die anyway, so nothing will fade away. 

I think I am officially done with waiting for things to get better on their own. I am on my own (kid), so it kind of falls under my adult responsibilities to make these things better, right? The anxiety will come and go, as it always does but at least I know things are temporary. 

We took that unmarked route, sealing the deal and respecting the gravitas. I think it’s going to be a good decision and even though it’s hard for me to say out loud that “I have a good feeling about this”, deep down I feel it. And in the meantime, I will enjoy all the little things and rays of sunshine fighting their way through the clouds. 

Like our tiny little Pub Quiz team! Wednesdays are slowly becoming my favorite day of the week, because there is something to look forward to. We play for fun, talk about all things in life, daydream about the future and I feel like a kid again. Hell, I kind of feel like I’m in a movie with these people. 

Stuck out long before lights down
Why do I breathe?

            We reach the edge of the forest with only one road that will take us back to the start. It was a good one, Friend. And hey, thanks for listening. I know I am a bit high-maintenance these days, but… I am worth it, right? 

We both laugh hearing that self-consciousness coming from me. You know, for someone who is perceived as a go-getter, always smiling and being “confident”, I find it funny, when people realize that, in fact, I am the most anxious and vulnerable person. Looks can be deceiving, this is why I’m not paying much attention to them. 

Same goes with your “why”, Friend. Having it just to show it around is completely against its purpose. Don’t stress it, okay? There’s plenty of that going on already. Truthfully, the only why you could consider now is the “why not” kind of why. 

We slowly go back to civilization, and I feel lighter. Can’t really tell if it’s the sun or your company, but it makes me feel less of a longing that I felt earlier this week. I was missing someone, something I never had and for unknown reason it made me sour. But hey – we are all humans, no? 

            Listen, Friend. Things will start looking up soon enough. The most important thing is not to hesitate. It will be scary; it will be new but don’t back down. After all, it’s better to miss things you’ve had, rather than long for something that could have been. Or someone, for that matter… 

Oh, and one more thing – don’t wait, just do it. Reach out. Take that chance. You don’t need any excuse. I mean, what do you have to lose? Your understanding smile reassures me – the spring is finally coming.