Wish for it, Darling!

             Wish I could spend that day with you from Onward soundtrack made me think a lot about wishes and dreams coming true. How often does that happen? Is it common, or rather rare? Tell me how to attract the realization of a dream; does anyone have a recipe for successful wishful thinking? Probably not, my Friend. But we can always try, right?

I do wish to spend that day with you.

             I am here, Friend. Always will be, I am not easy to get rid of. Besides, I think we don’t have a choice, right? No need to waste your wish on me then. One could wish to go back to how things were a few years ago. Your smile is way too sad, too real. Hey, there. Small, baby steps. Since we already know that we should not adjust to “new normal”, we should do everything in our power to get back to the “good, old normal”.

But today, I don’t feel like thinking and talking about the world. Besides, beating the pandemic should not be a matter of wishes and dreams. It is a matter of action, vaccinations and common sense. Anyway, I don’t want to start every conversation with you about the current world’s situation. Let’s talk about our small world and how I wish it was quiet, for once… Just once.

             Let’s hide in my woods. Okay, they are not mine technically, but I was raised with them at my fingertips. And soon I will have to bid my farewell to them, since I am changing the address. One of the things that sucks about it, is that there is no park or forest close by. Guess I will have an excuse to come visit, right? The smile on your face is riddling. You will miss this place too. Body and mind are forever; brain memory is just as strong as muscle memory. Oh, how I wish maintaining the harmony was easier…

One day you’ll love me again.

             This cuts me like a knife, making me stop half-step. 7 words, 6 if you use a shortcut, but they cut right through the flesh, straight to the soul. I wish you didn’t think that way of me. But I brought this on myself, didn’t I? I am my own worst enemy. Even though I have such a brilliant ally in you, even though my mind is my biggest advantage, I am, I was on a weird route to destruction. Sanity of mind comes from the health of the body. Your silence is killing me, though I was the one asking for it. That feeling, of being upset with yourself, is one of the worst feelings ever.

Let’s see how I managed to defeat myself, shall we? The small branches crunch gently under our shoes. The sound is so loud in that silence around us. It started when I ignored the first red flags you waved at me, so vigorously in November. I was reaching my limits, yet going further, ignoring that I operate on fumes. What was I thinking? Even Tony Stark had his limits!!! What made me think that I was better? That my body and mind were stronger, invincible?

             I am not angry at you. I should be angry at me, but that would mean that you are also to blame, but you are not. It was my doing – I chose to ignore your voice of reason and demanded the silence. And so I kept you under the lit, like a boiling kettle. Until I couldn’t hold it anymore, and you exploded. But not with anger, no. With all of the colors, at full brightness. Why are you not beating me down? You should.

One day you’ll love me for sure.

             Own worst enemy. Oh, how I wish things were different with you and me. How I wish I could be at peace with overthinking 84% of my life. I wish that I could trust myself to trust you with everything. But still, there are some fences; fences that scare me; fences I believe are too high for me. But they were there always, you say. They were there and they are not going anywhere. I know that, I do.

We waddle in silence, following white arrows on the trees. They map a 4km route for runners. I used to do it twice every Saturday to keep you relaxed. Now all I can do is walk, because I get tired too quickly. You want to know about the fences? They scare me, but I am working on that fear. Remember when I started my job and when they moved me to another team, after 3 months?

I was mortified. If it wasn’t for a great mentor by my side, I would quit, I would crawl back to my beginning. And staying in the past is not good. So, I clenched my fists and kept pushing. 3 years later, I am bold enough to make my passion part of the job. Actually, it took me… 5 months? To start making it my way.

             But none of it would happen without you and some good people in my life. People crazy/brave/wise enough to trust me, have faith in me, support my decisions, accept me. Just the way I am. Just the way you are too. This is exactly why I don’t want the silence anymore. I need you alive and chaotic; loud and never stopping.

You question my love like it’s not enough.

             I deserve all of it. I never promised you anything before, right? So hear me now: I promise, this will never happen again. I will never put myself through this kind of shit ever again. Work is important, but at the end of the day it’s just what it is – work. It has ups and downs, though we all wish it has more of the former.

Wishful thinking again, right? Few months back, I joked with someone I love working with, that we should figure out the way to work together more. This was one of them fences, right? It was there. And given the opportunity, I climbed it to see what’s on the other side! Because why not? Don’t get me wrong, I am scared shitless. You smile, which is a good sign. We just made it to the archer’s path. There is school here, where they teach you to shoot arrows and this entire area is their training ground.

And ultimately, it all comes down to how well you aim, wouldn’t you agree? I see you looking around, studying the surroundings. Or maybe it’s a little bit more complex than that. Maybe it’s also about which target you will choose – this one, right beside you or that one over there, by that tree? The latter will require more practice, and the closer one seems like a safe, easy shot. So, what is your decision?

             And I don’t, by the way. I never questioned your love or loyalty. I don’t trust myself, but I do trust you. Allowing one to meet the other, is a process and it will take some time.

You regret it now, but it’s your mistake.

             Clear as a day, Friend. I am not going to look for excuses – all of it is my faut. I brought the anemia on myself. It wasn’t work, it wasn’t the apartment or the bank. I let the stress take over, I let it happen. I chose to ignore the warning signs and blinding red lights. Something I promise to never do, ever again. Besides, we learn from our mistakes, right?

They make the most valuable lessons. You are familiar with that feeling of defeat, right after you make that mistake? That is something so bitter, so sour and spicy at the same time. It burns, stings and scratches. I felt that way a few weeks ago, when I tried to donate blood – something I have done for almost 10 years now. This “little” thing charges me fully, makes me feel like I am a good person. And my own mistakes depraved me from that pleasure. And then someone wise told me “You can’t help others if you are not 100% healthy”.

Sounds very… Obvious, but sometimes we need to HEAR the obvious things. Oh Gods, how I wish things were different with us! You are hurting because of my mistakes. My precious mind, the beating heart of Twin Peaks Café…

             Ignoring the “gut feeling” is a crime, and you have every right to be the judge and jury. I traded your wisdom for comfort and stress about everything. I don’t remember EVER crying so much over things that stress me, over things that tire me, over things that I cannot control. e stopped in the middle of a crossroad. The white arrow is to the right and it guides through a small hill. This was always the trickiest part of my run – I was quite tired and had to run up that hill. The alternative was straight ahead, but that meant taking a longer route to my goal.

What makes you think that my mind will change?

             Because that is what you are – a constant change, a galaxy of contradictions, a universe of chaos. And there is a beauty in that chaos. Beauty that makes me shine with happiness, calmness and brightness of all stars. I wish I was better for you. But I have a good feeling about this wish, you know? Some things will not work out the way I want, some will go smoothly. That’s life.

I wish things were different, but I also wish for more time to read books and watch movies and discover new countries and flavors. I wish the world was a better place for strugglers, overthinkers and dreamers. Can you imagine? All of these wishes coming true… Now that I think about it, maybe wishes and dreams are like gravity. All it takes for them to be real, is a little push?

Like taking a step forward to that goal, the target hidden by the tree. It’s not cheating, it’s simply shifting the odds and changing perspective. And that never hurt nobody. Besides, taking one step forward can unravel new obstacles that could prevent achieving the goal and if you know about them… There is something that can be done, correct?

             So we take the hill road, but you laugh because it is barely a hill. Believe me though, when you are running it matters. Every small thing matters – the branches, the small stones, spider’s web or how green the leaves are getting. Oh, we just talked about autumn and spring is around the corner! It’s not like I can smell it through the mask, but it’s there. Spring means a new beginning, right? Okay, maybe not, but I wish it did.

Hug me again till the end.

             My smile grows, because I keep imagining how a person could hug their mind. With a cup of coffee? Or a good book? Does a “mind hug” constitute lying on a warm beach, absorbing the sun and lots of vitamin D? Or maybe it’s watching a good movie? Or perhaps it is all of the above, with a pinch of friendship, mentorship and kindness?

We will be alright. You and me. There will be peace one day, but no more silence, for it is dangerous. Just like hope… Unlike stillness of silence, the light of hope is doing more for the mind. It motivates and drives the change – of heart, of mind, of perception and ultimately – of me.

My love for mind has no limits, just like my love for… Christopher Nolan? I laugh, because that would mean a lot, wouldn’t it? But yes, the answer is yes. Throw Star Wars and The Lion King and you should be set for life.

I’m your friend.  

             And I am my own worst enemy, though I wish it wasn’t true. This enemy evolves with us, adapts to changes very quickly. But… What could be its greatest advantage, simultaneously is its greatest weakness. I know all the ways and tricks to keep the enemy at bay, but it is time to turn the enemy into an ally… Wouldn’t you agree?

We reach the edge of the forest. We could either keep going and follow the arrows or cut through the street for the river. There… It’s a thinking place. Maybe we could go there and sit down to enjoy how everything flows? Just like that river. I wish I had more time to enjoy that calmness. My gaze follows your slow movements. It doesn’t matter where we go; it’s how we get there.

What we know by heart is comforting, but there is this magnetic attraction to the unfamiliar. So, is your wish, my Friend?