Stuck in her daydream…

               Daydream, always. I sometimes forget the thrill of daydreaming. You know, I am talking about that fearful feeling of not knowing what the hell are they talking about in the meeting, just because you drifted away? And the only thing that snapped you back was hearing them call your name? What’s with that, anyway? There are certain sounds that could wake us up from the “dead sleep” and hearing our names is one of them. I think I daydream more in the summer. In the summer, my mind resembles dunes, my beloved dunes at the seaside and in the Arrakis. Hey, friend. Been a while.

But lately, her face seems slowly sinking, wasting…

               I almost forgot what it feels like to get together for breakfast in a cafe. Why did we stop doing this? You look at me from across the table and lean forward with a smile. Right. The pandemic and unwillingness to go out in the morning, when it was -5 outside. Fair point! Nevertheless, it feels almost normal. Almost… I hate this word, you know? “You almost made it”, “You were almost good enough”, “You almost passed” my ass. I’m sorry to be that grumpy just before our breakfast, but come on. It can make a girl angry – especially when I hear it a lot at work. But I will tell you about work in a minute. I can see that you are excited to have that scrambled eggs with me!

Coming here after the blood tests was a good idea. I like this place. I used to come here a lot a while back, when I was doing more tests and needed a cheer-me-up right after. Their breakfasts are pretty good and, this will make you happy, the portions are really big. So, you will get to finish mine! Daydream is a good thing to have in a place like this. Wait, but do we even know what the word actually means? Reaching for my phone, I look at your hands cupping the coffee mug. “Daydream” means a series of pleasant thoughts that distract one’s attention from the present”. I can see that question painted on your face. What is it about summer that makes me daydream all the time?

               It used to be a pretty slow period at work, and now it’s not. New things, new roles, new system, new folks on board – there is plenty for me to do, and yet I find myself distracted, surfing through the dunes. Have you ever noticed how the wind brushes through the sand there? It is such a subtle and raw process. I know it by heart. The glimpse of sadness does not escape your attention and one of your palms covers mine. It’s warm from being wrapped around the cup. There are no dunes I can go back to. Not anymore.

Tried to swim and stay afloat

               And I wish I could go back there and daydream on the beach. Sure, I mean I can go to the seaside but it will never be the same. But hey, that only teaches us one thing – never take what you have for granted. Ever, because nothing lasts forever. No one is forever, not even me. You laugh and shake your head. Okay, I hope my legacy will be forever, but this is different. I am no Tolkien after all, friend. My coffee arrives a bit later, but you are kind enough to wait. Even though I know you are anxious and grumpy without it. Guess you take it after me, eh? That first sip is always a magical mystery. I like to believe that there are no two cups of coffee. Even though they use the same beans, same milk, same water… Each cup is different. Just like we are. 

You are wondering if giving up to melancholia is a good thing. There is a thin, fine line between bitter-sweet melancholy and being just bitter. Sometimes it is hard to know the difference, right? The waiter brings in our plates, which is unusual because they don’t have that kind of service. Guess this time I didn’t snap back, when they called my name.

The meal looked great and suddenly I remembered how much I enjoyed scrambled eggs. I like this realization of how awesome the little things are. Waking up in the morning to see that it is 5:30 am and if you go for a run now, you will be enjoying breakfast and coffee an hour later, watching Lost.

The worst things in life come free to us

               I feel your eyes on my cheeks, nose, forehead. You know I am there at the dunes, daydream in progress. You know, I started watching Lost again, even though I hated what they did with this show. Season 1 was so damn good! The suspense, the plot, the OTHERS! I smile, and this is your favorite smile: driven by passion, true love. My gaze returns from the dunes, even though I didn’t go there intentionally. Come on now, let’s eat before it gets cold. And suddenly I realize why we are here again. My blood tests! I almost forgot about the anemia and psychological damage it’s been doing to my… To you. I watch you eat now, getting in that healthy protein and vitamins. We’ve been doing so well lately, friend.

Slowly, really slowly going back to running. Every other day, not to push it. Biking to the office, going to the swimming pool (okay, I went ONCE, but shut up). Eating regularly, drinking enough water. Sleep could’ve been better, but I guess that lavender oil and CSI are doing their wonders. Yet I still feel like they will tell me the bad news. No more donating blood, not the way I used to.

               You notice my untouched plate and concern paints all over your pale face. I have to eat, I know. One sip of coffee and I picked up the fork to… Hey, speaking of Dune. Raised eyebrows, oh really? We just talked about the dunes. So listen, this is the most unreal thing. Kind of like an amazing daydream. So, IMAX is doing this big-ass promotion and next Wednesday I will be sitting in the 2^nd row (the lowest one) in my local cinema to experience that exclusive look and new trailer. How cool is that?!

This time, we’ll fade out tonight, straight down the line…

               Makes me feel like I am a true author.. I can’t wait to see that movie on the big screen. It feels majestical. The hype is through the roof and I am in the first line of creating it. What can I do? While we are at it, I am calling it first: summer of aesthetics. Lots of Wes Anderson (planning on catching up with his older work), Dennis Villeneuve (just watched Arrival and I am absolutely a-ma-zed) and, of course, Christopher Nolan. Your smile says it all. It’s going to be a good summer, no matter what the doctor tells me.

You finished first and I struggle with final bites. Subtly, I move my plate to the center, so you can help me out while I sip the coffee. Oh, how I cherish that wonderful flavor. We chose the bitter beans, which are stronger, a perfect wake up. Is that where we are in life, friend? Waking up excited only because there is good coffee waiting? Or maybe that is exactly what we should wake up for. The little things.

               I sometimes feel like my entire life is a daydream. Some things are unreal, so… Distant. All the good things that happened to me. Lately, my life depends on the kindness of strangers. I am not sure if I would make it without acts of kindness – with the apartment I mean. Your smile is a true comfort, you know? Having your own piece of land (so to speak) in this world is amazing, but the hell you must go through to have it… I owe a lot of people. How can I ever repay that kind of selfless help?

And they say, she’s in the Class A Team…

               They say that kindness goes back in waves, and if we do good, it will always come back. Probably in the most unexpected moments. Like with me now, when I was absolutely numb about going back and forth with the bank and notary. Something that was absolutely beyond me and I could only rely on the kindness of strangers.

I need a break. We both need a break. A moment to daydream about things that will never happen. I sigh and look through the window. The city is waking up and traffic picks up. More people come and go inside to get their morning pick-me-up.

And here we are, sinking in the melancholy. What do you think, friend? Is our “good” enough for the “good” we get? Hopefully. But we will not be the judges of that. But hey, on a more positive note, I can start counting days to the vacations. We have some fun plans with my friends, and hopefully everything will work out. Do you know what is the best thing about this? Plenty of time to drift away. And maybe even to work on my book?

               I think we should go now, buddy. It’s late, I should be working. You see that melancholy steps out to make room for numbness. Again. Work should never make you that way, but sadly enough not everyone is doing what they love and get paid for it.

Stuck in her daydream, been this way since 18…

               Do you know the difference between taking a step back and giving up? The latter is the final stage of being done, to say it straight. We finish our coffees and gather our things. I like this new backpack of mine, you know? Little things. And the color is so dreamy! We can catch the tram from that stop over there. Making a decision to take a step back cost me a lot, but it made me gain. Peace, quiet and less stress. Why bother, why keep pushing to change things that cannot be changed?

I am no quitter, nor do I easily give up. But everyone has their limits, my friend. You should know that best, and even though I know that you support my choice and decision, you look worried. Don’t be, I need the money. I’m not that famous author just yet. Yet. Good things… Well, good things are already here. But great things are coming. This is what I believe in.

That sudden wave of optimism makes you stop in your tracks, so I turn around, still a few steps ahead. Come on, now. What else is there? Moping around about the things you cannot change? I am doing everything I can to make sure work is bearable.

It’s too cold outside for angels to fly

               So, what will you say? Off home, to work a bit and try to keep daydreaming at bay? Or maybe this is the best place to do it? It’s like with the inspiration to write, at least for me – it hits in the most unexpected moment, most unexpected place. For me it is usually when I am having big family dinners, like Christmas or Easter. You should see me then. Desperately trying to fight the headache, caused by the sudden subway train of thoughts, crossing my tracks.

I think I will be alright. No matter what the doctor says. We will be alright. Hey, did I tell you about that sushi place I discovered? Oh boy, did I forget how much I like sushi? They have those sweet pieces with mango and banana, even with strawberries. My mum and I, we kind of got addicted. Little things, am I right?

               I like that look on your face, no longer worried. For the first time in… Well, a long time, you are somewhat sure that we will be okay. That I will be just fine, no matter what. I think I am finally mature enough to accept the things I cannot change or influence. There is so much we can do, right? The sooner we realize it, the better. And then, we can focus on the important things – something that we can change. Or maybe someone we can influence? Let’s go, friend. Our tram is coming!

P.S.

               The doctor said that I shouldn’t be a blood donor. And if I really want to, if I am that stubborn… I can only do it once a year, only after general checkup, only after getting some rest and feeling at 150%. After receiving this news, I was staring blankly at a wall in my room, wondering. You cannot help others, if you are not 100% healthy yourself.

It made me genuinely sad. This was something I cherished, something I truly liked about myself. Not to mention the chocolate… ? But there are different ways to help out. Sure, there is no way to just produce blood. One would think that we are such an advanced civilization and here we are.

               This is something I will need time to process and figure out my next steps. Being a donor for almost a decade… And one anemia, one exhausted body and tired mind were enough to do irreversible damage. Lesson learnt for the future. I will be alright.