Net of wonder

                “The sea, once it casts its spell, holds one in its net of wonder forever” … I was looking for a right quote to use for a photo caption, simple picture really – me looking over foggy horizon of endless, deep Baltic sea. My go-to is “long time no sea” but I wanted something more meaningful. Seaside is integral part of my life – for almost 18 years I was lucky enough to visit my grandparents in a small town called Dziwnow. As a kid I couldn’t wait for school to be over! Don’t get me wrong, I was big-time nerd, but I loved my two-month long summer break. It was full of fresh strawberries, sand, cold sea, vicious jellyfishes and love.

You can put an ocean between our love, it won’t keep us apart.

                I’m on my way back from all-girls weekend retreat in Sopot, on of the best seaside cities in Poland. It’s a touristic beacon for foreigners but at the same time, equally popular among Poles. We took a slow stroll at the beach today and as I was watching calm waves washing the shore, I started remembering all the good bits from my childhood. Every summer in the sea-city, long evenings in bars (with parents, of course!) or at home, playing cards. Breakfasts with freshly baked bread from the only “one” bakery in the neighborhood, homemade jams and marmalades, veggies hand-picked from family garden. My brother and I, getting ready for all-day beach experience… Ah, good times. So carefree, so simple. World is much less complicated when you’re five years old. Your only worry is how to take the bucket, little plastic shovel and rake, inflatable ball and your favorite book with two hands only. I was never worried about food (mum and grandma always packed sandwiches and water), blankets and towels (grandpa always made sure that we took them), not to mention sun-beds (which were carried by my dad). I could care about my little world and that was enough. 

                I am and always will be in awe of seaside cities. Or cities with docks in general, with water so vast, you can’t see the shore ahead. The freedom! Its concentration in the air is so much bigger then the healthy iodine. Think about it! Or better – try to imagine this. Let’s start with docs, it’s a bit trickier. You set the foot on the asphalt and the sound of ships coming to the port is the first thing you hear. The big ones, with gigantic containers loaded with cars and machinery… You hear the bells, people in work-suits with helmets on, running from one corner to the other. There are benches near the waterfront, but you have your spot, hidden by the right side, away from the popular promenade. Wind gets stronger, drizzle is not bothering you this much, because this air is clear, it’s fresh and it makes you dizzy, in a good way. Your hands got cold, so you put them in coat pockets, your chin is buried in woolen scarf, but your smiling. Your bench is empty. After wiping wooden seat (so it’s not so wet anymore), you can take a sit and just enjoy the view. Count the ships, watch the seagulls and…  Rest. Harbor-cities are perfect for escape-artists. You could just hop on a ship and run away, leave your problems behind. 

My hometown sometimes feels like a cage to me. Buildings, often covering the horizon, city lights that suppress my beloved starlight, noise that brings nothing but headache. All that combined is a silent soul-killer. The second you enter the docs, you’re set free, purified of all that big city dirt. It’s the sweetest escape.

Up on melancholy hill there’s a plastic tree, are you here with me? 

                With seaside towns it’s a bit different, but the point is similar. Walking barefoot on the beach, feeling cold sand underneath your tired feet. The most natural and well, free, peeling 🙂 At first you struggle to reach to shore, because your feet pitch deep in the sand, but it’s such a pleasant feeling. Sun is up high, but it’s not very hot, quite contrary actually – it’s chilly. But you don’t mind. Structure of the sand is changing, it’s wet and more sticky. You see sticks and stones, tiny little sea shells. You stop to pick some and hide them in your pocket. Lovely memory from this trip, and it will make you smile each time you look at them. Gaze up, you see the waves gently washing shore, few meters away from you. White foam is adding charm to the view. You can’t stop smiling, but you decide to stay here, keep that distance between you and the mighty water. Adjusting your position to face the sea, you sit down on your knees and close your eyes. You’re not alone, there are people around you, dogs chasing sticks, kids laughing and running away from the waves. But after few deep breaths, the noise goes on mute. Your hands dive in the sand to sink in it, deep. It’s just you and the sea, the seagulls and cold sensation coming from the ground. This moment, right there… This is your here and now. Nothing matters, nothing but you in that exact moment. Slowly breathing in the freedom, inner peace and strength, to breath out stress, insecurities and overthinking. People are looking at you, but it doesn’t matter. You are happy. Your hands are sticky and you can feel sand under your nails. Three breaths later, it’s time to greet the water and pay your respects to this unpredictable element. 

My grandfather taught me this when I was just a little girl, that you must always respect the sea. It’s dangerous to make it mad or upset. You must always be gentle with it. Be thankful and enjoy it. Enjoy all the goods that comes from summer sea bath. Out of 365 days, I could spent at least 60 sinking my hands in the sand. Or letting my feet collapse, ankle deep in the sea jus because I was standing still. Or building sandcastles just so I could ruin them 5 minutes later. But summer vacation were not only about sea and beach.  

I can’ save us, my Atlantis, we fall, we built this town on shaky ground… 

                My grandpa died of cancer in 2011, on December 22nd. I remember that summer, it was really rough. We already knew that he was sick, but what my parents didn’t tell me was that the cancer was spreading. It was so painful to watch… For one thing though I am very grateful to my parents – they never let me see grandpa when things got really bad. So, what I remember is always smiling, super funny and caring grandpa, who let me sip out the foam from his beer. Guy, who planted sunflowers because I loved the flowers, not necessarily because I liked eating it. Guy who had entire garden of veggies and fruits, so his granddaughter could be healthy and learn new tastes everyday. He was such a lovely man. I think I have the hugging thing after him. AND! Jeez, I just remembered what my grandma told me few weeks back. She’s fighting cancer too and I came to visit, to install her one of the streaming platforms. She can’t really go out now, because with chemo she can’t be sick (she got sick anyway). I showed her HBO GO and joked that she could watch Twin Peaks if she wants, with new season from 2017. She looked at me with smile and she said that grandpa loved that show, kept watching all replays each time. I had to turn away so she couldn’t see tears in my eyes, but this fact really moved me. 

Vacations in their house were full of love and laughter, playing cards, working together in our family garden (which, by the way, was in a town nearby). Oh, those morning trips to the garden! It was really big. But the gate resembled entrance to the Secret Garden. It was magical, like a portal to another dimension. And to be honest – for me it felt like this. This garden was Wonderland. When I was little, I didn’t work there much, didn’t help with veggies. My main responsibility was to make sure that wild strawberries are ripe and we could pick them. Oh, wait no – I had one more duty – taking care of rockery. It was my piece of heaven there and every stone had its place, couldn’t be moved. Other than that though, I spent my young years reading books, eating raspberries straight from the tree. 

Naturally, when I got older I helped out with harder stuff, but still it was my Wonderland. Another place, where I could take a breath, fully stretching my chest, filling my lungs with clear air. 

Feels like there’s oceans between you and me once again…

                My safe haven ended with grandpa’s death. It was more practical for my grandma to move to Wroclaw. And she took grandpa with her, we transferred the grave here. It might sound weird, but this is the piece of that haven, the only remaining part of it. Maybe this is why I love going back to the seaside. Freedom aside, the smell of salty air clears my head. Suddenly, all doubts and insecurities and fears are gone. Serenity comes in waves and with each deeper dig in the sand, I feel… I feel. 

We took a walk on famous Sopot pier and passed few “old German couples”. You know the type? Ahh, let me explain then. Few years back I worked in a hotel in city centre. We had tons of tourists from Germany, mostly older people. To be more specific, older German couples, traveling in groups. I love how they actually have time and money to travel around Europe and world. Anyway, main characteristic of old German couple is that they are always in love. After all this time, still and it’s the most adorable thing in the world.

We passed them and the first thought that popped into my mind was that I want that kind of thing. When I’m grey and older, I want to go to the fancy hotel at the seaside, grab my man by the arm and take a stroll down to the beach. Enjoy the view, take a deep breath, grab a lovely sea shell. It’s a nice thing, right? 

• 

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The sea does not like to be restrained.

                Wave after wave, water washes to shore with irresistible persistence. You sit aways from the water, at the top of the beach, wrapped in a blanket. Wind is strong, but you don’t mind. Your fingers draw circles in the sand, fingertips transmitting peaceful sensation to your brain. He sits beside you, but he knows that this is your time. You are taking care of yourself, taking one deep breath after another. You don’t mind him, it’s important to do things by yourself with someone close around. Memories of happy childhood flash in front of your eyes, when you hear a children’s laugh. You feel free, because the sea sets you free. As the sea, you don’t like to be restrained.