I believe in second chances…?

            Sometimes I think I should stop listening to Imagine Dragons because they make me overthink more (as if more than I usually do). Damn, they make me soft! Like, I was never a fan of giving people second chances. Not very often, anyway – there are situations when I wouldn’t hesitate but in general (Kenobi)? Nope. What changed, what happened? Because suddenly I believe in second chances and it’s all good. Hell, it’s better! What I still can’t figure out though is whether this is good news, or bad news.

            I can’t even recall when it happened, what triggered the change, but for poetic purposes, I will stick with blaming Imagine Dragons. I have a feeling, that I will blame them for a lot of personal stuff here, like this piece about Boomerangs, remember? This band just can’t make a bad song! And their album Smoke+Mirrors is my favorite. I was fortunate enough to see them live in Warsaw few years ago. One of the best gigs in my career! Few weeks ago I was listening to Smoke+Mirrors at work, it was one of those busy weeks at the office, you know? The kind that makes you kind of regret that you’re single cause you would really appreciate a hug in the evening and tea with lemon. Busiest time at work is usually perfectly synchronized with rough patch in personal life. For me at least. Lots of things coming at me, with no warning made me… Rethink few things? Second chances included.

            What did you mean by “I was never a fan of giving people second chances”? Hmm, now that I think about it, it sounds angry. It’s not that I wasn’t a fan, I was just skeptical. Tired too, of people using my good heart. Done even. Just done with bullshit. I asked myself: Why do I have to be the one, always giving the second chance? Will they do the same for me, when I slip? You know what I’m talking about, right? We’ve all been there at least once. You get tired, when people keep on disappointing you. And it’s totally okay to give up on them – if you tried to help, to reach out, to give a goddamn chance to start over. It was their choice to refuse all that, right? I reached that breaking point. It felt so healthy (for my soul) to realize, that I’m not the problem. It’s the wrong people in my life, not worth of any chance. Not even the first one.

You see, it’s good to be an overthinker sometimes. Excluding the continuous train of thoughts, of course, there are advantages. For instance, being a quiet observer. That obviously comes as a package with deep analysis of one’s character (please don’t mistake this with JUDGING, it’s soooo different!), so it’s not all sunshine and rainbow. Once the train is in motion, it stays that way. Anyway, if you are a good spotter and you pay attention, you can tell who is gonna be good for you and – if need be – can get a second chacne. It’s a hunch and I can’t explain it better, but you know. And you should never ignore what your gut tells you. Example?

            Back in the Academy I met someone. Well, “met” it’s an overstatement. This was purely “Internet friendship”, or so I thought. From the start I felt that something was off with this guy, I just couldn’t shake this feeling. But I promised myself that I will take every opportunity – because it may be worth it. If you never try you never know, right? It just started as a conversation about school stuff. Exams or study materials or some crap like that. Things escalated quickly and we talked, texted actually, for hours. Everyday, about everything, about having a cabin in the woods, where I could read all day, wrapped up in a blanket and he would chop wood for the fireplace. Where we would live, happily ever after, away from worries and problems. I told him everything, and I mean EVERYTHING. For the first time in ages I decided to let someone into my soul and my heart, but I did that against the red flags, the loud alarms and warning signs my gut sent my way. I told him things only one person knew – Aggie, my best friend. I told him all my fears and doubts, I told him about all the insecurities in my head. 150%, remember? It was good. Hell, it was perfect. He said all the good things, all the sweet nothings I wanted and needed to hear. Now that I think about it – and this thought sickens me – it was a weird, ducked up online relationship. Online… Because we never spoke in person. Not even once. Because you were with friends, because you looked busy, because you were talking with this guy… And duck, I bought it like some naïve teen. It was okay, we had the Internet, right? After long conversations with Aggie I finally admitted that this is wrong and that’s definitely NOT how relationship should look like. And then everything fell apart after he told me, that after two years of being in relationship, it ended.

Now, before I move on, tell me – what would your reaction be? Let me help you: WHAT THE DUCK YOU MEAN? YOU WANT TO TELL ME, THAT YOU BEEN DATING SOMEONE ALL THIS TIME WHEN WE TALKED? Or something like that, right?

But no. You know what I told him? I said that I’m so sorry that it happened… And asked if there is something that I could do to help. Another lifeline. I took me a week or two to process this, it actually took some goddamn time for my brain to catch up. Throughout this entire relationship I was throwing second chances at him – I will help you change, I will help you get over you fears, I will help you become the best version of yourself… I was so worried about him, because of his health problems – though now I’m not sure if they were real, I put him above myself. Don’t ever do that for someone, who wouldn’t do the same for you. Ever.

            Sad part is that we didn’t even talk about it. There was no way, because we never have. So everything I had to say, I put down in words on Messenger. I remember this day so clearly, I was typing and crying, I felt so embarrassed that I got into this mess. Ignored my gut, this hunch… Worst and best life lesson ever. I grieved a long time. You know, when you strip the armor and there’s just YOU… The intimacy is so pure and honest. I let him  see the parts of me, that weren’t all that pretty (pun intended, hello there) and it still wasn’t enough for him to love me. How would it made you feel? Broken. Worthless. Hurt. Not good enough.

It was all a lie. Every single thing and it really broke my soul, and it took me few years to recover. I’m still affected by this – all the demons in my head, all the insecurities (old and new ones) come from this. And I’m sorry, if you will ever read this, I’m sorry but I blame you. Nothing justifies this. Lots of people had a difficult time in life, but nothing gives you right to treat other human being like that.

            The purpose of this story (which I’ve been struggling to tell you all, but… You deserve to know that my brokenness… Part of it, started somewhere) is simple – to show you that second chances are risky. Look, overall I gained two things out of this. First is a best friend. This is a funny story because Olek was his close friend and well, I kind of misjudged him due to that. But he turned out to be one of the most wonderful humans I have ever met, with heart of gold and pure soul. The other thing was reaching breaking point I mentioned. I was done! Done trying to change people or believing that they will change. Or that they will change for me, because I’m so special and good influence and so amazing. Bullshit. He asked for a second chance – not directly – but he did. But that wasn’t an option. I learned my lesson, thank you very much.

            So yeah, you probably understand why I was skeptical about second chances. I was too close to the flame, hell I got 3^rd degree burns all over my heart. But things change. There are people who deserve a another shot – like closest family that could hit rock bottom too soon, if it weren’t for “another one” second chance. It reconnected me with my godfather and his family, which is amazing. And you have no idea how much did it cost me and him to meet up after… 20 years? It’s a longer story – but finally a good and happy one. You might say that it’s easy choice because it’s family. Well, no – it’s quit the opposite.

But even with more everyday life things like your once favorite band, that turned into direction you don’t like at first, but you miss it so decide to give it a try. Or a book that you’ve started a million times (“Amexica: War Along the Borderline” by Ed Vulliamy, good morning) but want to try again. Those second chances are equally important! Not everything must be so serious all the time.

            It takes a lot of courage to hit reset button and start over with people. But you know what’s the hardest? Giving yourself a second chance. I’m still working on that, also with a psychologist. What happened during my studies shut down some parts of me that I want back. I miss them! I miss feeling. Feeling with someone. I hold back way too often. There are things that I would want someone to know and I just can’t… Can’t tell them. I want to but just can’t. But I’m trying to fix this, I want to give myself a second chance, I challenge myself to say more and more but… There are some fences that we can’t jump over. At least right now.

I think my approach towards second chances changed when I got one from myself – when I started therapy. It made me realize how hard it is, to be on the other side. To be the one who gets to try again, remembering all mistakes and disappointments. It’s new, uncharted territory; feels like looking at your life with fresh perspective. And suddenly… All those mistakes were not so bad, and all those disappointments were not that hurtful. It’s easier to understand why it happened. It’s easier to forgive. And I have some forgiveness to do with myself, but that’s yet to come. Second chance is a long-term process but now I know that it’s worth it. One can only gain from it.

Please let me in, I believe in second chances
I won’t break you, I will not let you down
Open up again, I believe in second chances

Imagine Dragons – Second chances

            Use them wisely, my friends. Carefully assess who’s worthy – it’s for your own protection. Trust me, I know. And I would never advise anything that could do you harm. You’re far too important for me to lose. So, if there is someone in your life who tries to come back – let them. See what happens. Sure, it might come back to bite you but… If you trust your instincts, you will now. Listen to yourself. You do know! Most importantly, please remember: never ever hesitate to give yourself a second chance. You are worth it, always. Believe in second chances!

P.S.
You are all the Jedi. ACT. LKE. ONE.